Shark weak
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 5th, 2010
For more than 20 years, Shark Week has educated audiences by showing them how, with razor-sharp teeth and barrelfuls of dead seals, people can be enticed to watch the Discovery Channel.
And while the danger can seem extreme, it’s important to keep in mind the following statistics:
1. There are nearly 7 billion people in the world.
2. Sharks kill fewer than ten people each year.
3. Therefore you will be killed by a shark. Read the rest of this entry »
I’m getting married
Posted by Scott Green in Scott Says Blog on May 31st, 2010
Wondering why there haven’t been any posts for a couple weeks?
This Sunday I get married.
Regular columns will resume by the end of June. In the meantime, here’s a roundup of stuff I’ve written about the process – getting engaged, registering for gifts, not forming personal opinions, etc.:
How I engaged my favorite reader – the story of how a 2008 column got me engaged
Happy Valentine’s Day! Have this dead squirrel – the column that led me to reconnect with Michelle
Single guys, enjoy manly music while you can – how I became music-whipped
WedTV – why wedding shows are worth watching, even if you’re a guy
Walking down the aisle… at Bed, Bath & Beyond – the insanity of registering
Showering with 40 or 50 women – how to survive your bride’s wedding showers
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Our newest justice, after these messages
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 3rd, 2010
Here are two facts that seem, on their face, unrelated:
1. Barack Obama is about to choose John Paul Stevens’ replacement on the Supreme Court.
2. “American Idol” is still the top rated show in America.
I think you see where I’m going with this: Stevens should beat Simon Cowell to death with his gavel.
If that’s not practical, we could hold open auditions and let viewers at home decide who advances to the Supreme Court, under the theory we couldn’t do much worse than the current justices. Read the rest of this entry »
Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 26th, 2010
Of all I’ve learned about the Internet, I know that if I say anything negative about video games, a lot of very passionate individuals are going to threaten my life with authentic replica broadswords.
So when Roger Ebert wrote in his blog last week that video games don’t count as art, I feared the worst. You don’t associate film critics with Chuck Norris-like self-defense abilities. Most get into the business for free popcorn. Read the rest of this entry »
Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 15th, 2010
We’ve earned TV treating us like idiots. This is the nation that gets emotionally invested enough to call a hotline to determine whether Pamela Anderson or Evan Lysacek is the better dancer.
So I’m not surprised, as we start the 2010 baseball season, that broadcasts still feature outdated statistics. You know what I mean. A guy steps up to the plate and up pop “batting average” and “RBI.” Serious baseball analysts prefer new-age baseball stats, called “sabermetrics” because that sounds more official than “tenth-grade algebra.” Read the rest of this entry »
Showering with 40 or 50 women
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 8th, 2010
Any couple in need of housewares should definitely be the guests of honor at several dozen bridal showers. My fiancée, Michelle, and I recently had this pleasure, and will never need to buy another melon baller.
Showers are women-intensive get-togethers that occur during important conference basketball games. The idea is, guests bring gifts to commemorate an upcoming event at which they will bring other gifts. This has caught on in other areas, though with mixed success. At baby showers, for example, expectant mothers receive tiny clothing they could never wear. Read the rest of this entry »
Spoiled by spoilers, but “Lost” without them
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 1st, 2010
Author’s note: Although this column is about the ending of “Lost,” it contains no spoilers. I have gone to great lengths to avoid revealing, for example, that the smoke monster is actually Keyser Soze. Also: Oz was Dorothy’s dream. Thank you.
I’m an American, which means I feel entitled to whatever I want, whenever I want it. It also means my diet consists primarily of cheese. This has led to a thriving pizza delivery industry.
What I’m trying to say is, I don’t like waiting. I’d rather know something ahead of time than be surprised later. This is why I love spoilers, and why the final season of “Lost” is giving me fits. Read the rest of this entry »
Holy Moses, it’s still the story of Passover
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 29th, 2010
To commemorate the first Passover seder tonight, please enjoy this classic column originally published April 17, 2008. If you are attending a seder, feel free to read it out loud, particularly if you do not wish to be invited back next year.
Of all the Jewish holidays, Passover is definitely the only one that begins this Saturday night. It’s the Jewish equivalent of Easter, except you have to replace “Jesus” with “Moses,” “resurrected” with “not resurrected” and “Cadbury Creme Eggs” with “guilt.” Passover commemorates the Jewish people’s escape from slavery in Egypt, followed by 40 years of wandering the desert that ended only when they found the place that is today their homeland: Miami Beach.
Actually, they wound up in Israel, referred to biblically as “The Land of Milk and Honey,” because nobody would ever visit if it were called “The Land of Ethnic Tension and Sand.” Read the rest of this entry »
Stork droppings
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 26th, 2010
It’s normal for guy friends to exploit each other’s insecurities. For example, I’m self-conscious about getting older, which my friend Matt exploited by having a baby.
Technically, his wife Kelly had the baby. (She did the work, so I’m giving her the credit.) Matt did help out a little: he caught little Isabelle as she emerged and he cut the cord, which is the same role in childbirth as a father hamster. Read the rest of this entry »
A really, really large SCAM
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 2nd, 2010
Good journalists use sharp, precise language to convey ideas clearly. Pfft. What I’m trying to do here is write a column about largeness and smallness issues affecting the private portions of our anatomies without using words that get this column filtered for content.
What does that mean for me, your Sex Column Answer Man? I’ll employ the standard practice of talking around the issue of hand with vague allusions, as in: “Bob asked the urologist to examine his euphemism.” But you’ll know what I’m talking about, because every time I make such a reference, I’ll wink at my computer screen.
Question: Why are men obsessed about size? Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Shark weak August 5, 2010
- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010