Your Sex Column Answer Man will work for Fritos
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 1st, 2009
The recession has affected everything in this country, from tax policy to car purchases to the market of people willing to pay straight-out-of-college journalists six figures to write humor columns.
It’s also touched the love lives of a lot of Americans, or at least the ones whose bedrooms I can see into from my 21st-floor apartment.
Lucky thing your favorite (and only, thanks to trademark law) Sex Column Answer Man is on the case, answering whatever questions I felt like asking myself.
Question: What are some ways to save money in the bedroom? Read the rest of this entry »
Athletes as students: major problems
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 24th, 2009
It’s the middle of summer break, which means student athletes are preparing for the upcoming season with 12 hours of grueling math drills a day.
Actually, they spend their summers training on the field, preparing to do the serious academic work of catching a football. This seems removed from the mission of the University, which consists of providing a top-tier education to Illinoisans whose parents gave money to Rod Blagojevich. Read the rest of this entry »
Camp career counseling for career camp counselors
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 17th, 2009
Summer employment is a great chance for college students to get real world experience in their areas of study. For example, if you’re studying to be a teacher, you can get a job as a camp counselor. And if you’re studying to be a biochemist, you can get a job as a camp counselor.
That’s because companies don’t trust you to do work that, if handled improperly, could cost them hundreds of dollars. It’s much better to just leave you responsible for the lives of a dozen eight-year-olds. Read the rest of this entry »
Losing weight, one pizza at a time
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 10th, 2009
Because I gained approximately 4,000 pounds in college, I’ve begun my post-graduation diet with the ultimate goal that, through sheer force of will, I might one day give all my money to the Weight Watchers corporation.
I have the extra bulk because I spent my time in Champaign on the standard college diet of three square meals a day, each of them pizza.
I’m just kidding. The standard college diet is four pizzas. But my point is, there’s definitely a culture on campus that encourages you to eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Read the rest of this entry »
Admissions forecast: partly clouty
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 3rd, 2009
The Chicago Tribune reported Friday that hundreds of unqualified students are admitted to the University every year because of a secret political “clout list.” In other words, for the first time, we have some clue how admissions decisions are made.
This is good. High school students now know that if they work hard and stay focused, they can make enough money to pay their state reps to blackmail the University into admission letters.
When I was in high school (1845-1849) I was told it took good grades and top tier test scores to get into college. By the end of junior year I had straight A’s and a near-perfect ACT. So naturally, when I applied to Champaign the next fall, I was rejected. Read the rest of this entry »
Caps and groans
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 27th, 2009
I worked my butt off all three years of law school, so naturally I had to dress like a mental patient to graduate.
Silly clothing is a long-standing tradition of higher education. Two weeks ago my classmates and I crossed the stage in blue robes with dark blue arm patches, blue mortarboards, and a purple hood with blue and orange stripes. The outfit symbolized that I had earned my Juris Doctor at a top-25 law school and therefore had dignity.
In academia, the more honors you accumulate the dumber you have to look at graduation. Students get caps and gowns; professors on stage get black robes with golden cords and some even wear black puffy caps. Once President Obama starts racking up honorary degrees, he’ll have to give commencement speeches dressed like Flavor Flav. Read the rest of this entry »
What you might’ve missed during spring
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 12th, 2009
It’s important for great societies to keep histories of all their goings-on. We might as well keep one keep one of ours, too. It’s in this spirit that I present my recap of spring semester 2009, because otherwise I might accidentally study for finals.
JANUARY
Zipcar places two rental vehicles on campus to serve 40,000 students. “It’s super convenient to use,” says junior Horace Glorf, “and as soon as my turn to use one of the cars comes up in eight years, I’m totally going to Walgreens.”
Governor Rod Blagojevich is removed from office by the state legislature. To prove he is more than a shameless attention seeker, Blagojevich appears on 3,178 talk shows.
To conserve resources, the Lincoln Avenue Residence Hall cafeteria becomes the second on campus to go trayless. Enough water is saved that, for the first time ever, some LAR residents take showers. Read the rest of this entry »
How I engaged my favorite reader
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 7th, 2009
Graduating college columnists like to write about what the school paper meant to them, how much they love their readers, and a bunch of other nonsense. With the readers, for example, my main interaction has been the DailyIllini.com comment boards, where people post threads titled “You can’t be serious” after I suggest the president host pot parties.
Instead I’m writing a follow-up to my Feb. 14, 2008 column. That one was about how I’ve never been good at dealing with females I’m attracted to, dating back to when I was 13 and could barely ask my crush, Michelle Zimbler, to dance with me at my own Bar Mitzvah.
I’d never told Michelle I liked her. In the column I wrote: “I needed to keep her totally convinced I did not have a crush on her, because the only good that could have come from her finding out would have been a long-term relationship, marriage, a brood of healthy children, and the founding of a charitable organization to feed starving third-world children. Luckily, I dodged that bullet.”
Things have changed. Read the rest of this entry »
Poker lesson number one: live near an ATM
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 30th, 2009
There’s no need to worry about the shrinking job market. Plenty of great positions are still available for qualified college graduates, provided that college is Harvard. Otherwise you’re going to have to find more demeaning backup employment, such as rodeo clown or auto industry executive.
That’s why it’s a shame this year’s $25,000 World Poker Tour Championship, which concluded Saturday evening, attracted only 338 players, down from a high of 639 in 2007.
My backup job was going to be professional poker player, but this year’s WPT champion, 21-year-old Yevgeniy Timoshenko (pronounced “Yevgeniy Timoshenko”), only made $2.1 million. “I guess it’s an honor to win,” Timoshenko said, “but this isn’t enough to buy more than two or three private islands.” Read the rest of this entry »
Learning, and other horrors of grad school
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 28th, 2009
As a law student, undergrads are always asking me questions. “Why do you think I care that you’re a law student?” is a typical one.
The truth is we graduate-level students have a lot of wisdom, as measured in ponytails. And there’s nothing we know better than why you shouldn’t become a grad student yourself. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT'S NEW- Your Sex Column Answer Man will work for Fritos July 1, 2009
- Athletes as students: major problems June 24, 2009
- Camp career counseling for career camp counselors June 17, 2009
- Losing weight, one pizza at a time June 10, 2009
- Admissions forecast: partly clouty June 3, 2009