Scott Says

I mean no disrespect to Illinois voters when I say that they are idiots. Illinois is the state whose voters, when Abraham Lincoln ran for the senate in 1858, elected the other guy. (This was a mistake because Lincoln was obviously taller.) So it is disturbing that the Illinois presidential primaries were moved from March 16 in 2004 to Feb. 5 this year, early enough in the race that our votes will have an impact.

My first concern is Illinois voters’ pattern of choosing candidates with less-than-pristine morals, by which I mean “total scumbags.” Consider the lack of success we’ve had with gubernatorial elections: Since 1960 three Illinois governors, Otto Kerner, Daniel Walker and George Ryan, have served prison terms. The leading cause of death for Illinois governors is now prison riot. If he were on the ballot, Illinois voters would probably elect the Hamburglar. (more…)

Why shouldn’t Illinois citizens vote?  What bad decisions have they made in the past?  Robble robble?

 

 The primary problem with Illinois is its voters [3:53m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (41)

The rest of the NFL spent the past month worried about the playoffs, while Bears fans had an early offseason to think warm thoughts about the White Sox or to prepare for the Cubs’ next rebuilding century. Meanwhile Bears players began dealing with the stresses of the offseason, such as deciding how much to tip their various masseuses.

But diehards like me are eternally optimistic. As a superfan, I think only of the Bears as the Giants and Patriots prepare to duke it out Sunday evening in Glendale, Ariz. My faith in the Bears is so strong that I believe they will not lose another game for a whole seven months. This is the sort of blind loyalty the team can really count on when the going gets tough. (more…)

Why would anyone go to a “meaningless” football game?  Whose fault is it that the Bears don’t have cheerleaders?  They charge HOW MUCH for beer?

 

 Very early offseason does not deter fans [4:44m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (39)

I believe the footage in this video is staged, but who knows. It’s fun either way.

FoxNews has picked up on the most relevant story of perhaps the decade. That’s right: A 15-year-old girl’s friends got her MySpace password and used it to make fun of her.

Here’s the schedule of ScottSays and Daily Illini releases by yours truly for the next two weeks:

Wednesday, January 30:  Chicago Bears column

Thursday, January 31:  Illinois Voters column

Monday, February 4:  Candidate Profiles

Wednesday, February 6:   Point/Counterpoint on Polling vs Voting

Thursday, February 7:  Humor Column (Subject TBA)

In addition, there will be a video podcast Thursday, February 7 in which I attempt to set a record.  Most of the filming is done and I expect it to be pretty good.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Sea-Monkeys sex but were afraid to ask.

We don’t have any.

We’re losing.