Scott Says

Sometimes it is perfectly appropriate to have an opinion on something you have never experienced. For example, I have an opinion on abortion, even though I have never personally been aborted.

This is the case with “John Adams,” the HBO miniseries that aired its final episode Sunday night. I never watched it, but I’ve heard it discussed ad nauseam, to the extent that I feel safe saying it was a pretty good show, full of glorified battle, pointed oratory, revolutionary idealism and French prostitutes. Sort of like our student senate. (more…)

If you’re reading this, congratulations! You survived the lamest earthquake I’ve ever heard of.

I don’t mean to disparage the hardy citizens who lived through Friday morning’s tremors, but as far as earthquakes go, this was not exactly the one you’ll tell your grandchildren about. It might be the one you tell your parents about, when you point out that you have endured a lot this year and could use some extra cash. I would do this over the phone, though, since it’s hard to keep a straight face talking about a harrowing ordeal that resulted in zero casualties, even if some woman did get trapped by her porch. (more…)

Of all the Jewish holidays, Passover is definitely the only one that begins this Saturday night. It’s the Jewish equivalent of Easter, except you have to replace “Jesus” with “Moses,” “resurrected” with “not resurrected” and “Cadbury Creme Eggs” with “guilt.” Passover commemorates the Jewish people’s escape from slavery in Egypt, followed by 40 years of wandering the desert that ended only when they found the place that is today their homeland: Miami Beach.

Actually, they wound up in Israel, referred to biblically as “The Land of Milk and Honey,” because nobody would ever visit if it were called “The Land of Ethnic Tension and Sand.” (more…)

Today’s topic is how you, an average citizen who just happens to be a major scumbag politician, can avoid public scorn. The simple secret is to come clean before anyone suspects something is wrong. For example, let’s say you are a United States Congressperson who intends to set fire to the Orphanage For Really Cute Children. There are right and wrong ways to do this.

Right: Call a press conference before you set the orphanage on fire. Set the fire. Go directly to the press conference. Look into the cameras and say, “I set fire to the orphanage. I am aware this has hurt many people, but this matter is between me and God.” Try to keep a straight face. (more…)

How can politicians stay out of trouble?  Why does Eliot Spitzer frown so much?  Shouldn’t Nancy Grace be live in-studio?

 

 So you've decided to burn down an orphanage [3:57m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (62)

What Mom’s Weekend traditions can be avoided?  Why doesn’t your dad talk on the quad?  What’s the matter with pizza box carpeting?

 

 After six years, Mom's Weekend getting old [3:07m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (36)

Is your mother coming to visit you this weekend? Congratulations, you still have four days to move to a different address. Otherwise you will be subjected to a number of Mom’s Weekend traditions that have happened every year for as long as anybody can remember. It’s like the State of the Union address, only more boring.

This is my sixth year at Illinois, so I know all these traditions cold. Of course, now that I have them memorized, my parents no longer care enough to come to Champaign. I am forced to spend Mom’s Weekend without anyone telling me how stupid my wardrobe is or badgering me because I never talk about girls. So basically, my weekend will be very enjoyable. (more…)

The Democratic primary has turned extremely bitter, and with the presidency hanging in the balance and pundits trying to make sense of everything, it is more important than ever to have a serious discussion about something else.

Fortunately, Monday’s The Daily Illini featured an article by Paolo Cisneros entitled “‘Mad’ cow leads chase through campus streets.” The article was about a fraternity-run charity event called “Dumps for Dollars” that was so nauseating and distasteful that I naturally called the frat’s president, Matt McNamara, to confirm the details so I could share them with everybody. (more…)

Cracked.com pulls off the prank of the…  well, of the week, at least.  Impressive, being as how April Fools’ Day came this week.

Read about it here.  And lest you think it’s made up, at the end of the write-up is a link to the clip on YouTube.  Awesome.