As the old William Shakespeare quote goes, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.” This is a lie. There are way more than three kinds of lies. White lies, for instance and my mother’s hair color.
Also Shakespeare never said it. It was Benjamin Disraeli, who, according to Wikipedia, is “some kind of fish.”
That’s a lie, too. Wikipedia never identified Disraeli, a former British Prime Minster, as “some kind of fish.” (It specified that he was a mackerel.) But for the internet generation, it’s easier to trust Wikipedia than go to a more reliable source, such as guessing. (more…)
You may be worried about the economy, what with the bankruptcy last week of Lehman Brothers, the buyout of Merrill Lynch, the bailout of AIG by the federal government and the termination of McDonald’s $1 soft drink promotion. But there is absolutely nothing for the average American to worry about, provided he has diversified his assets and is a Canadian citizen.
“I know Americans are concerned about the adjustments that are taking place in our financial markets,” President Bush said last Monday, attempting to pacify the nation. Here is how you can tell he is lying through his teeth: There are 27 syllables in that sentence, and he did not botch a single one. (more…)
Microsoft paid Jerry Seinfeld $10 million to fit Bill Gates for shoes in a TV commercial. I don’t see the logic behind this. I mean, if you were Microsoft, would you have Seinfeld fit your chairman for shoes? Or would you go the more reasonable route and use his voice for that animated paper clip? (”It looks like you’re writing a letter. What’s the deal with letters?”)
Microsoft’s ads, which the company has announced it will cancel, are the latest in a surge in pointless commercials. They’ll give you some mumbo-jumbo about trying to improve their image with the public, but come on. Bill Gates just wanted to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld. It may seem unfair that Bill Gates gets to spend company money to purchase Jerry Seinfeld whereas you would get questioned for a $15 business lunch, but in all fairness, Gates has to go through life with that haircut. (more…)
Your average politician has the sex appeal of a jack-o-lantern, and yet these guys have romantic encounters all the time. Take Eliot Spitzer, for example. The guy looks like Kermit the Frog, but still was able to have sex for less than $5,000.
Think about the recent headlines. John Edwards admitted to an affair with a former staffer. Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Political sex is in the news again, so you need me, your faithful Sex Column Answer Man, more than ever. Because of the sensitive nature of these topics, I will use my maturity and wisdom to handle these topics with all the delicacy of an NFL linebacker. I’m a sex columnist, not a nun.
Question: Why is it surprising that former North Carolina senator and two-time Presidential candidate John Edwards recently admitted to an extramarital affair? (more…)
Whether to join a fraternity or not is one of the biggest, life-defining decisions a new student can make. That’s why it’s very important you do not commit to a house until you have given it careful thought, by which I mean “consumed twelve Jell-O shots.”
Ha ha, that was a joke. Anyone in the Greek system will reassure you that alcohol is not served at fraternity recruitment events, although it will be hard to understand him, what with all the slurring. (more…)