According to Politico.com, a major record studio is reportedly in talks right now to put out a country music album as early as inauguration day, starring - naturally - Joe the Plumber. The guy’s been in newspapers, on TV, and is supposedly mulling a run for Congress. It’s only a matter of time until he shows up in adult films (”Hi, I’m here to fix the plumbing in this girls-only dormitory”).
But I was disillusioned to learn Joe the Plumber isn’t a licensed plumber, and isn’t named Joe. His real name is Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, and because it is misspelled in the Ohio registry, he might not even be able to vote. How could any of us possibly trust his political insight after that? We can’t, which is why I instead called plumbers across the nation - licensed plumbers - to find out for whom I should vote. (more…)
Though I was always told I could be anything when I grew up, the Presidency seemed outside the realm of possibilities. For one thing, I have the personal warmth of a brown recluse spider. Also, nobody believes in me. Zero political connections. Bad hair.
One thing that isn’t holding me back is my college GPA. I’d been under the misconception that most Presidents had scholastic experiences like those of Bill Clinton, a Rhodes Scholar who finished at the top of his Yale Law School class and seduced Dean Wormer’s wife when his fraternity went on double secret probation. Surely the anomaly was George W. Bush, who carried a C average as an undergrad at Yale and occasionally goes on diplomatic missions to Nigeria to check on his promised share of King Mfakefake’s inheritance. (more…)
The World Series begins next Wednesday with two teams I do not root for, and for the first time in my life, I sort of care.
I was never into baseball as a youngster, though I played the game regularly. I had my own strategy in Little League that consisted of never swinging. Sure, this may not fit in with how baseball “traditionalists” play, but they would feel differently if, like me, they had the athletic ability of lasagna. (more…)
As the presidential campaigns round third and head into the home stretch on a Hail Mary buzzer beater hat trick of sports metaphors, there’s one certainty: You will be stunned.
It’s the season when desperate campaigns or excitable media pull some stunt or release information they expect will shock voters into changing their minds. They’re called “October Surprises,” but they’re not the good kind of surprises like when you’re about to cut into your birthday cake and out jumps a scantily clad woman. They’re more like the bad kind of surprises where you don’t know about the scantily clad woman until after you cut the cake. (more…)
I turned 25 Sunday, and I’m not happy about it. Yes, I received some lovely gifts, and yes, I spent the weekend surrounded by family and friends, but every time someone asked me to smile for a picture, I felt like they were sizing me up for dentures.
I don’t like being 25 on a college campus, where everyone is younger than me, including most tenured professors. When I bought textbooks this year, a number of people in line, waiting to purchase titles such as “Quantified Nanobiology Theory and Practice in Latin,” looked like they had come straight to college immediately after an excellent showing in the third grade. (more…)