Scott Green

It’s important for great societies to keep histories of all their goings-on. We might as well keep one of ours, too. It’s in this spirit that I present my recap of spring semester 2009, because otherwise I might accidentally study for finals.

JANUARY

Zipcar places two rental vehicles on campus to serve 40,000 students. “It’s super convenient to use,” says junior Horace Glorf, “and as soon as my turn to use one of the cars comes up in eight years, I’m totally going to Walgreens.”

Governor Rod Blagojevich is removed from office by the state legislature. To prove he is more than a shameless attention seeker, Blagojevich appears on 3,178 talk shows.

To conserve resources, the Lincoln Avenue Residence Hall cafeteria becomes the second on campus to go trayless. Enough water is saved that, for the first time ever, some LAR residents take showers.

FEBRUARY

The roster of each Super Bowl contender, the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals, includes two former University of Illinois players.  Despite this, one of the teams manages not to lose.

Signs reading “inillI gnithgiF” begin appearing in Urbana. It’s part of an art project that causes controversy after it is revealed that “inillI gnithgiF,” when reversed, spells “Indiana Hoosiers.”

Illinois governor Pat Quinn visits campus to talk about going green, then attends that evening’s men’s basketball game. Taking the conservation message to heart, the Illini score just 33 points.

The Champaign City Council votes 7-2 to revoke Fat Sandwich Co.’s license to deliver liquor, largely due to concerns about underage drinking. Twenty-year-old students are now only able to get alcohol from bars, restaurants, apartment parties, fraternities, convenience stores, gas stations, and Purell hand sanitizer.

MARCH

Alumna Arlys Streitmatter Conrad (’44) dies, leaving $12 million to the University. The money, as stipulated in the will, buys gold-plated trays for LAR.

Student trustee candidate Dan Weber wins the most votes but is disqualified for violating election rules. Weber is immediately hired to run Rod Blagojevich’s presidential exploratory committee.

Campus shuts down when a major windstorm knocks out electricity. The situation turns catastrophic when power is immediately restored, allowing classes to resume unaffected.

Alumnus Lee Archambault (’82) commands the Space Shuttle on a trip to the International Space Station. He was originally going to drive, but didn’t want to wait 27 years for a Zipcar.

Bill Ayers spends a few days speaking to students at Allen Hall. In a twist Fox News describes as “shocking,” campus does not collapse into an abyss of hellfire.

APRIL

Roger Ebert (’64) donates $1 million to the University’s Cinema Studies program, which didn’t exist when he was a student. He does not give $1 million to The Daily Illini, for which he wrote, even though we depsprately need monie for coppy edeting:

Twenty-one students are arrested in a massive campus drug bust, most for selling marijuana. They are all released after police learn they were delivery guys for Fat Sandwich Co.

The first-ever Illinois Marathon in Champaign attracts nearly 9,500 entries, 7,000 more than expected. But the day is marred by allegations of cheating, after first place is awarded to Dan Weber.

MAY

Finally, it is announced that Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood will speak at the College of Law’s commencement ceremony. “This is great for our University,” says Chancellor Richard Herman, “so long as he can get us a third Zipcar.”

Scott is a third-year law student.