Scott Green

It’s unfair the Bar exam has a reputation as the toughest test in America.

Sure, the occasional straggler doesn’t pass, such as Kathleen Sullivan, who failed the California Bar in 2005 despite having served as — I swear this is true — dean of the Stanford Law School the previous five years.

But most people who take the test do just fine, provided they study day and night for months on end and forgo sleep and sacrifice small animals to Legalia, goddess of the motion to dismiss.

For the benefit of those outside the field of law and lawyers who repressed the whole thing from their memories I present the answers to some common reader-submitted Bar exam questions I just made up.

Question: What’s the format of the test?

Answer: In Illinois it’s two six-hour days, one with 10 essay questions and the other featuring 200 multiple choice. At least, that’s what the state Bar claims; while actually taking the test, it’s obvious the thing lasts seven 18-hour days.

Q: How hard can a multiple-choice test be?

A: The Bar likes to play a game wherein it provides several correct answers to a question. Your goal is to pick the “most correct” one, in the sense that it’s correct to say George Bush is slow, more correct to say he’s squinty, and most correct to say he was nearly assassinated by a pretzel.

Here’s a sample Bar question:

Murderer shoots a gun at Victim, killing him. Murderer is guilty of:

A. First-degree murder

B. 1st degree murder

C. Murder in the first degree

D. Bustin’ a cap

I spent three months in Bar review and three years in law school, and yet I still can’t figure out, no matter how hard I try, how a grown man could fail so badly at eating a pretzel.

Q: What if you don’t know the answer to an essay question?

A: I learned how to handle such a situation in a one-day, $225 class on exam-writing. The big-money secret they touted was, and I quote, “Make something up.”

Q: Make something up?

A: I got really good at inventing legal rules, like “This motion can’t be filed without a bribe to the proper Illinois state official” or “Oh no he didn’t”; and Latin-sounding phrases, like “Ex Ipsat Fatsum” or “Enrique Iglesias.”

Q: Yeah, but anybody could give that advice. Why didn’t you demand a refund?

A: I trusted the instructor knew what he was talking about; he could’ve told me to write the lyrics to “Boom Boom Pow” and I’d have done it.

Q: How do the proctors make sure nobody cheats?

A: Hats, cell phones and analog watches can be in the room, but not within your reach, or you’re kicked out and fail. Digital watches and cell phones aren’t even allowed into the testing center, or you’re kicked out and fail. You can’t have any material on your person with any legal information on it, or you’re kicked out and fail. This is the Bar exam, and it’s too important for even the slightest chance of impropriety.

Q: How do they ensure compliance?

A: The honor system.

Q: Everyone talks about the horrors of failing. Would it really be that bad?

A: The pass rate in Illinois is nearly 90%, and you can only take the test twice a year, so not passing wastes time and tells potential hirers you’re in the bottom 10%. Of course, being in the bottom opens other avenues, such as teaching how to write Bar exam essays.

Q: When is this year’s exam?

A: It’s coming up soon; I know because I’ve studied my butt off since May. According to my calendar, it’s July 28 and 29, which is in just a few … uh oh.