Scott Green

I’m more terrified of Barack Obama than ever, what with the death panels and his connections to domestic terrorism and the army of babies he’s hiding away.

Don’t be so shocked.  Back in November, “Obama Babies” were big news.  The theory was, Obama supporters were so thrilled about his victory, they jumped into bed and had sex, which, as conservatives know, is only for procreation.

Not that it’s hard to get a female Democrat in bed.  You earn her trust by telling her how liberated she is and that she doesn’t need a man for anything, then move for the kill with a teddy bear and flowers.

So on election night, what with aphrodisiacs like a youthful new president and rhetoric about “change” and Wolf Blitzer on CNN for eight hours, the sexual tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife, if only Democrats believed in weapons.  Aroused liberals paired off and headed to the sack, and you know what happens there, especially if you’re one of the people the Bush administration hired to monitor citizens’ bedrooms.

The phenomenon isn’t new.  Every time there’s a blackout, or hurricane, or professional basketball game, a baby boom is nine months away.

But election night was nine and a half months ago, and I haven’t heard of a single born Obama baby.  Which is the scariest news of all.  I mean, there have to be Obama babies; Newsweek had an article about it back in November.  So if the Obama babies exist, but nobody’s seen one, it logically follows that liberal parents are hiding their newborns to create a secret infant super army.

Probably the parents followed the president’s lead.  I’m guessing, to keep the Obama babies secret, they were born in America but given forged Kenyan birth certificates.  Somewhere out there are hundreds of thousands of infants named Barack and Hussein and Hope and Joebiden, ready to become the most adorable pro-abortion bloc you’ve ever seen.

Think about it.  Why would Obama be trying to kill your grandparents with free healthcare?  To make room for his baby army.  In years to come they’ll do the president’s bidding: securing peace in the middle east, reducing our reliance on fossil fuels, being secret Muslims, fist-bumping, etc.

I don’t think this is an Obama-only phenomenon.  If John McCain had won, there’d be a surge of infants who only spit up into monogrammed handkerchiefs and are so worried about a sex scandal they won’t breastfeed in public.  Babies who, like McCain, claim not to wear diapers.

It could’ve happened.  A conservative girl is just easy to get into bed as a liberal.  You just remind her that her mother, Sarah Palin, is out of the state.

But Obama won, and so it’s Obama babies we need to worry about.  Any true conservatives must go to town halls and demand answers.

Unless the death panels get you first.

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