Scott Green

The University of Illinois Board of Trustees still has five vacancies for Governor Pat Quinn to fill, and I would totally want the position, if only it paid anything.

See, trustees work on a volunteer basis.  This is not a good way to get talented people to do things.  It’s a position with no pay, regular travel to Urbana, Illinois, and no ability to leverage your clout, what with the Chicago Tribune’s annoying scrutiny.  It makes more sense to try and find a job in law.

Plus, the other trustees are a bunch of snooty, litigious old cranks, if James Montgomery and Frances Carroll are any indication.  Montgomery and Carroll are the holdouts who didn’t quit in the clout scandal; Quinn threatened to fire them, but relented when they threatened to sue the school.  “We act in the best interest of the university,” their defiance screamed, “which is why, if you fire us, we will sue the pants off it.”

So you have to wonder about the motives of the 200-plus people who nominated themselves for the position.  Quinn was apparently concerned, because he approached both new trustees, Chris Kennedy and Lawrence Oliver, before either had applied.

Probably the governor’s choices were affected by the recent clout scandal, wherein board members used their influence over the university to get unqualified students admitted. This is probably why he hasn’t picked trustee applicant Bill Black, a state representative from Danville.  In addition to filling out a self-nomination form, Black – who would ostensibly tell you he opposes clout – got house speaker Michael Madigan to lobby Quinn on Black’s behalf.

Black – and the other hopeless wannabes – applied at the state’s Appointments Web site, http://appointments.illinois.gov.  There you’ll find a link called “Nominate Yourself,” though unlike under the previous governor, the current form doesn’t require a credit card number.

Instead you can pick up to four commissions on which you’d like to serve.  These include – I swear they’re all real – the Board of Boiler and Pressure Vessel Rule, the Carnival Amusement Safety Board, the Low-Level Radioactive Waste Task Group, and the Governor’s Regiment of Colonels.

Next you provide your name and contact information, and fill out a form designed to weed out unsuitable applicants, asking whether you’re a registered lobbyist, a state official, married to Patti Blagojevich, etc.

Finally you’ll find two empty boxes labeled “Interest” and “Unique Characteristics, Qualifications and Experiences,” each with a 3,000 character limit.   Quinn doesn’t have time for longer responses because he’s so busy fetching coffee for Montgomery and Carroll.

But as the governor doesn’t seem to be picking applicants, I don’t recommend nominating yourself.  Better to play hard-to-get.  For example, you might change your Facebook status to “I do not want to be named University of Illinois Trustee,” or write a humor column mocking the entire process.

So let me just state for the record:  I do not want to be selected.  Though if the Governor does pick me, I promise to take fewer bribes than most other state officials.  Provided I don’t get any out-there offers, like a Porsche or free beverage with purchase of sandwich.

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