Scott Green

The world would truly be a better place if we all joined hands and sang in harmony and shot whoever writes Just For Men’s TV commercials.

I’ve seen this one ad about a hundred times.  It features two girls, maybe six and eight, who give their dad a box of Just For Men in the hopes he’ll begin dating again.  It’s not clear what happened to their mother, though I assume she ran off with the guy from the Viagra spots.

The ad raises a number of interesting questions, such as:  where does an eight-year-old get enough money for hair dye?  Did she keep the receipt, in case she bought the wrong color?  What did the checkout clerk think?

I get what the commercial is trying to do.  It’s trying to tug at heartstrings and show single dads their loneliness can be fixed by chemicals, the same approach used by meth dealers.

But it bothers me for a bunch of reasons.  First, a single father is not going to start dating again because his daughters beg him to.  No, he’ll wait until his need for sex outweighs his desire to scratch crucial man parts without getting nagged.

Second, during the dad’s evening he takes a photo of himself with his date, “for my girls,” and she complies – instead of, say, hurdling the table on her way out the restaurant.  I’ve never been on a date with a single father, but I imagine it would worry me if he sent his daughters a picture to prove it.  What’s he going to show them after consummation?

The thing is, the ad is for a completely worthless use of hair dye.  Sure, Just For Men is useful if you’re applying for a job, because studies show men are more likely to get hired if they smell like industrial solvents.

But men going on dates do not need to color their hair.  A woman on a first date sees the guy as one of those Woolly Willy toys, wherein you use the magnetic wand to move the iron shavings over his bald head.  So all you’ll accomplish by using Just For Men is, instead of appearing like a blank slate, you’ll look like a blank slate who spent $25 on do-it-yourself hair dye.

And if the date goes well, the guy’s on his way to a relationship, wherein the woman will tell him what to wear, which length to keep his nails, how loud he can chew before she pummels him with a high heel, etc.

Also she’ll tell him how to wear his hair.  If she wants it darker, she’ll make it darker.  If she wants him shaved bald with neon green fringe, that’s how it’ll be.  The only reason guys ever wear anything other than t-shirts and gym shorts is because they’re trying to mate, and when they’re in a relationship, they’re literally being told what outfit will accomplish that.

So I don’t think this commercial is aimed at men.  I think it’s aimed at girls with single dads.  They make out the best in this commercial:  by the end, their dad is out on the town, and they’re at home with no babysitter at night.  They can stay up past their bedtime, eat all the ice cream they want, and – if dad goes all the way – he’ll be really laid back the next few days.

If you enjoyed today’s column, you’ll also like:

“Single guys, enjoy manly music while you can”

“Happy Valentine’s Day!  Have this dead squirrel”

“The Sex Column Answer Man”