I plan on having kids someday, and I have no doubt the clever little bastards will track down their dad’s old humor columns. So let me state for the record that abstinence is the most important thing on the planet, with the possible exceptions of vegetable-eating and not bothering me during Bears games.
As Sex Column Answer Man to the rest of you, I’m here to dispel old misconceptions about abstinence, and replace them with entirely new ones.
Question: Should abstinence be taught in schools?
Answer: Deborah Parish thinks so. She spoke up at a recent Texas state Board of Education meeting: “I don’t think any of these people know that you can have sexual satisfaction without taking your clothes off. I – okay, embarrassment – I’m 56 years old and I’m a virgin. Technically.”
Q: What’s so significant about that?
A: She was a night late for the sex ed meeting and announced it during a discussion on alcohol awareness.
Q: What does it mean to say she’s “technically” a virgin?
A: She wants people to think she’s at least gotten close.
Q: How do you get teenagers to abstain from sex?
A: Somebody named “Dr. Bernadine Healy” wrote about this issue for something called the “Premium Health News Service.” According to Dr. Healy, there are eight traits associated with abstinence, including – I swear these are real – “Respect for parents and social values,” “Resistance to peer influence,” and “Willingness to postpone current pleasures for larger future rewards.”
So, parents! All you have to do is convince your teenagers to respect you and your values, ignore their friends, and never gratify themselves. Granted, I have no idea what “larger future rewards” exist for teens who abstain. I mean, from everything I’ve heard, sex gets worse after marriage.
Q: How can the government make abstinence exciting?
A: Mississippi’s Department of Human Services created an Abstinence Before Marriage program, which hosted a summit for teenagers in May that, according to Jackson, Miss., television station WAPT, “looked like a pep rally, complete with cheerleaders and performances.”
Q: Can you share the actual lyrics chanted by a high school cheerleading squad, as seen on video footage of the event?
A: The cheer was, “Stop, don’t touch me there – this is my no-no square.”
Q: Did it get the audience to wait until marriage?
A: If a bunch of gyrating high school cheerleaders don’t inspire abstinence, I don’t know what can.
Q: What other message did teens get at the rally?
A: According to WAPT, Ohio Minister David Mahan announced, “Our government is telling us that all we have to do is wear a see-through piece of rubber and be safe. That’s bull.”
Q: He thinks condoms don’t work because they’re see-through? What’s his problem?
A: He suffered a head injury trying to walk through a plate glass window.
Q: What other resources are out there on abstinence?
A: Planned Parenthood has an excellent guide to the practice, answering many common questions, including – I swear this is one of them – “How does abstinence prevent pregnancy?”
Q: How DOES abstinence prevent pregnancy?
A: What do I look like, a doctor?
Q: Any final messages on abstinence?
A: Yes. All kidding aside, it is a truly important goal to which all teenagers should aspire. They should also aspire to take out the garbage, or I’m going to ground them.
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#1 by thinker33 at September 30th, 2009
Okay, I was really ready to put on my “defend abstinence education” hat when I saw your blog…but I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to make my points. Really funny stuff! The girading cheerleaders put me over the top. I know David Mahan personally and he gives a powerful and effective message to teens. You should check out his whole program. If you are looking for facts on abstinence ed success check out… http://www.abstinenceworks.org Keep on writing! You got talent!