Scott Green

We’ve had a few days to digest the International Olympic Committee’s rejection of Chicago as host of the 2016 Summer Games, so it’s time to calmly and maturely reflect on whom to blame.

One option is President Obama, who gave a speech as part of Chicago’s final presentation.  Obama failed to win over enough IOC members, even though Mayor Daley specifically asked him to.  Daley is also potentially at fault, for not leading Chicago to become the sort of dynamic and corrupt metropolis the IOC was looking for, namely:  one that was located in South America.

Then there was the video presentation, which was all about how Chicago is a city of disabled foreigners.  At least, that’s what I took away from it.  There were a lot of shots of foreigners, as if to say:  “Come to Chicago and see foreigners!  Nearly as many as they’ve got in Rio!”  And there were a lot of shots of disabled people, probably to show how good a Paralympics host Chicago would make, but sending the message, “Come to Chicago and possibly get maimed!”

The bid’s actual message, a theme developed by Patrick Ryan, was: “Chicago:  Pick us for some reason.”  But IOC couldn’t get a grasp on this, instead taking away the message, “Patrick Ryan:  The multi-millionaire who knitted his own toupee.”

But whoever’s to blame, I’ve moved past that.  This is Chicago!  We’re scrappy!  We didn’t let some “great fire” get us down in 1870!  No, we waited until 1871, when the fire actually happened.

Regardless!  Our first option for moving on is to just act as if we won the Olympics.  Chicagoans have a short memory, as evidenced by their belief in the Cubs.  So what Daley needs to do is hold a press conference and announce how excited he is that Chicago was awarded the 2016 games, and that it’s time to hand out some very lucrative contracts.

From 2013 to 2017, when the Games’s infrastructure would have been put up and taken down, the city can shut down two or three lanes of all expressways to simulate an Olympics-caliber rush hour.  And after a couple years, Daley can announce that, despite the city’s best efforts, taxes will have to be raised to pay for the Games.  The increased revenue can be given directly to major Chicago cronies, which they can use to go to Rio and see the 2016 Games.

The obvious benefit to this plan is a chance to sell all the “Chicago 2016” souvenir torches already manufactured.  The downside is that no actual events would be played here, though nobody will know, because it’s not like regular city residents would’ve been able to get tickets.

Our other civic option is to just forge ahead and host the “Chicago Games 2016.”  There wouldn’t be any “traditional” sports, what with all the best athletes in Brazil.  But we can have special, Chicago-only events, like the “Seat Resale Challenge.”  The winner would be whichever competitor got the best price on a scalped ticket to the Seat Resale Challenge.

Also there’d be the “Pothole Race.”  Entrants would get a dozen of the worst city potholes, the ones so big they have their department to complain about all the cars, and a bag of cement.  The winner is the fastest person to make an excuse for not filling them.

All in all it’ll be an uplifting experience for the city, and while we’re watching, the police can boot twenty or thirty thousand automobiles.

So let others see failure.  I see only opportunity.  Because worst-case scenario, we can still get the 2020 Olympics.  And we can still call them the 2016 games, because the rate government operates in Chicago, no one will notice.

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