Scott Green

President Obama does not celebrate victory like a normal person.  A normal person, finding out he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, would post it on Facebook, then run around firing his gun into the air.

But not Obama, the kind of guy who celebrates by adding an extra teaspoon of sweetener to his Mueslix.  Nothing crazy at all, even though the Nobel committee caught him completely by surprise.  I mean, his most daunting presidential peace-making mission consisted of getting a black professor and a white cop to not gouge each other’s eyeballs on national television.  The effort he expended on this was walking to his lawn and drinking beer.

Publicly the president’s reaction to the award went beyond calm, leaning toward comatose.  He issued a statement saying he was “surprised and humbled” by the prize, which was “a call to action,” and that “I will drink beer on my lawn every single day until world peace is reached.”

But I’m a little dismayed the president’s example hasn’t been absorbed by the world of sports.  A generation ago, players took their cue from the president.  During Franklin Roosevelt’s administration, professional leagues emptied out as players joined the military; during the Kennedy administration, athletes took extra mistresses; during the Ford administration, players tripped down airplane staircases; etc.

Not anymore.  At the end of the Dodgers-Cardinals game Saturday night, after St. Louis was eliminated, the Los Angeles players retreated to their clubhouse, where they jumped and screamed and sprayed champagne on each other.

Had the Dodgers won the World Series?  No.  Staged a come-from-behind victory to win the National League pennant?  No.  They swept the underdog Cardinals to win a divisional playoff series.  The Cardinals are so bad that Cubs fans think they stink, and Cubs fans don’t even think the Cubs stink.  Still, viewers had to endure the sight of players running around in goggles to avoid getting booze in their eyes, like passengers in Mel Gibson’s Lexus.

In the NFL it’s worse.  Football players mark the most minor achievements with zany madcap antics.  In 2001, for example, placekicker Bill Gramatica injured himself on the field while celebrating a routine sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals.

No, really, he was jumping in celebration after making a field goal in the first half of a regular season game when he tore his ACL.  Of course, Gramatica was the exact sort of player we fans hoped would hurt himself so embarrassingly, though we wanted it to involve his reproductive organs.

Some players even suffer serious injuries celebrating literally nothing.  Sunday afternoon, Seattle Seahawks fullback Owen Schmitt needed stitches to close a gash on his forehead suffered when he smashed himself in the face with his own helmet during starting lineups.  (Schmitt was promptly offered a seat on the Nobel Prize decision committee.)

Anyway, I’m hoping the Obama effect trickles down.  If athletes see him acting dignified winning prizes and honors, they’ll learn they don’t have to whoop it up like idiots all the time.  So we need to start nominating the president for whatever awards we can, even if he’s completely unqualified:  Pulitzer, Daytime Emmy, honorary degree from Arizona State University, etc.

Though Obama may get less dignified the more awards he earns, what with all the beer.

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