Scott Green

No city gets into the holiday spirit like Chicago, which is why, by statute, city potholes must be large enough to fit Santa.

Potholes are a major civic annoyance that appear seasonally and are usually sloshy, like Cubs fans.  Though unlike Cubs fans they cause tire damage, so you don’t want to drive them over with your car.

There’ll be thousands and thousands again this year, but you can’t blame local government.  I mean, you could, being as how it’s the city’s responsibility, but I don’t recommend this because of the new $1,500 blame tax.  Chicago does intend to take care of the problem, but first it has to get through some other administrative matters, such as grading municipal employee ethics tests dating back to the great fire.

Last year there was actually a chance to have something done about the potholes.  Kentucky Fried Chicken offered to fill them, at its own expense, so long as it could stencil its logo over each one.  I swear this is true.

But Chicago politely declined, pointing out that it wouldn’t be fair to let KFC take over the job for free when city contractors had spent so much time and effort researching which city officials to bribe.

So city roads will be bumpy.  But you know Chicago cares about the problem, because road safety is the second-biggest concern of aldermen, after how prominently the evening news places their sound bites.

That’s why, for example, there are so many red light cameras around town.  You may think they were installed to churn up revenue for the city, and I will grant you they’ve generated millions of tickets in the last few years.  This has raised nearly enough money to sustain, for several hours, the Department Of Closing Highway Lanes During Rush Hour But Not Actually Doing Any Construction.

But that’s not what this is all about.  See, 18 intersections where cameras were installed in 2006 or 2007 saw a significant decrease in accidents.  Cars used to slam into each other willy-nilly, but thanks to city government, slightly fewer cars are slamming into each other willy-nilly.

Never mind that 20 intersections with cameras installed during the same period registered a significant increase in accidents, from drivers stopping suddenly to avoid running red lights.  The important thing is that motorists are truly safer in Chicago than they were four years ago if you ignore things like “actual statistics” and instead listen to your heart, provided you’ve survived Chicago traffic and it’s still beating.

That’s why we’re lucky to have citizens like Burton Natarus, the former 42nd Ward alderman.  Natarus bragged of getting a red-light camera installed at the intersection of Kingsbury and Ontario.  “It’s a very dangerous intersection,” Natarus told the Chicago Tribune, even though the city has records of just three accidents from 2005-08.

The cameras are definitely making the people who live near that intersection feel safer, including Burton Natarus.  One resident did admit to the Tribune that before the cameras were installed, “I didn’t know of any accidents,” but he can be discounted as a snake because he is – drumroll, please – Burton Natarus.

But my point is, they’re doing this for public safety, namely: making sure no Chicagoan has so much money he suffers a fatal $100-bill paper cut infection.  Which is why I think the civic-minded Burton Natarus should fix the pothole problem himself.  I’m not suggesting he head out there during the day, into the middle of busy streets, personally filling potholes.  He should do it at night.

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