Scott Green

I’ve noticed there are a lot of unattractive people out there, and I’d really like to do something to help them give me money.

There’s a lot to be made because as a species, humans are obsessed with looking younger, thinner and prettier.  There is an evolutionary reason for this:  back in caveman days, if you weren’t young, thin and pretty, you had very little chance of being cast on a reality television program.

Also it helped attract members of the opposite sex.  But today those traits are worthless.  If you’re looking to mate today, you should try to look richer.  Take Donald Trump.  The guy usually has an ugly, pained facial expression, as if the woodland creature living on his head is chewing through his brain.  And yet, in a true symbol of his effect on the fairer sex, he attracts some of the most beautiful women in the world to divorce him.

But people don’t try to look rich, they try to look “better,” which is why I’ve got a big opportunity with my new business concept, do-it-yourself liposuction.  My theory is that people are tired of spending big bucks, sometimes as much as $20,000, on so-called “legitimate” liposuction.  The at-home kit will be exactly the same, except without the high costs, waiting rooms, sterile equipment or trained medical professionals.

I know people will go for it, because they’ve already sunk a ton of dough into do-it-yourself plastic surgery.  I swear this is true.  A Web site called DiscountMedSpa.com (since taken offline) is in trouble for selling pharmaceutical-grade cosmetics to anyone with a credit card.

How it worked was, people at home would buy the medicine, then inject it into their own cheeks and foreheads as explained on instructional internet videos.  What the spoilsports who wound up ruining their faces won’t tell you is that a large number of DiscountMedSpa.com’s customers had a successful experience, by which I mean they didn’t appear on 20/20’s investigative report.

Of course, others did.  A female paramedic who ruined her face with do-it-yourself cosmetic medicine told a 20/20 reporter, “Why should I pay somebody else that got a few hours of training to do something I think I can do pretty easily?”

This footage really moved me, as I’m sure it did many others, to fits of laughter.  Later in the segment a doctor explained such injections are so precise and require so much concentration that even being off by a millimeter can cause blindness.  He said this looking straight into the camera, while sticking a needle under the eyeball of a patient.

So I’m convinced if people are comfortable injecting syringes full of internet drugs into their own faces, they’ll be willing to try my do-it-yourself liposuction kit, “You Suck.”  What you’ll get for your $399.95 is a festively-colored box with my photograph on it filled with a length of garden hose with “medical tubage” written on it in permanent marker, an Oreck vacuum, a relatively sterile plastic Taco Bell knife, and several dozen pounds of liability waivers.

For legal reasons I cannot guarantee the kit will help you shed pounds.  But I’m pretty certain you’ll lose weight in the hospital while recovering from the effects of suctioning your own fat.

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