Scott Green

To stay safe this holiday season you’ll want to follow standard winter protocol, such as not coming to a snowball fight without a gun.

This was the error made by hundreds of residents of Washington, D.C., who went to a little-used intersection in the city during last weekend’s blizzard.  The event was hastily arranged on Twitter because, even with two feet of snow, people needed the Internet to tell them to go outside and throw snowballs.

After festively hurling wads of packed snow at each other for a while, the revelers spotted a Hummer stuck in an embankment.  Naturally these people, seeing a motorist in trouble during the season of human kindness, pelted the vehicle.  The driver, responding in kind, got out of his car and flashed a gun, which the crowd took seriously enough to only throw several dozen snowballs at him.

To his credit the man did not shoot anybody, though according to the Washington Post he did begin yelling, Will Ferrell-style, “You all do not throw snowballs at my car.”

Before long the man actually brandished the gun, loudly dared members of the crowd to nail him again, then (with the gun put away) shoved people.  Someone called 911, a squad car rolled up, and a police officer approached the scene brandishing his own weapon:  a cantaloupe-sized snowball.

No, the officer had his gun drawn as he approached the Hummer man, but holstered it once Hummer man identified himself as:  a fellow D.C. cop, a plainclothes detective.  I swear this is true.

Ultimately the situation calmed down, and the Washington Police Department publicly chastised and fired the detective.  Just kidding.  They refused to release his name and originally insisted he hadn’t pulled a gun, despite a YouTube video clearly showing otherwise.

But my point here isn’t to criticize the police officer for unjustified force.  I live in Chicago, where saying such a thing is a good way to wind up in jail, or worse, having to watch a Bears game.

My point is that this is the 21st century.  Half the population carries guns, and the other half has a civil practice attorney on retainer.  If you go to a public snowball fight, it’s nearly certain you’ll be shot or sued.

Unless you accidentally shoot yourself.  This is how 62-year-old Charles Reed of Houghton Lake, Michigan, wound up in the hospital with a bullet wound in his ankle.  This is according to an article on WNEM-5’s Web site titled “Hunter shoots self using rope to hoist firearm.”

It seems Reed, whose blood-alcohol content was not mentioned in the story, tied a rope to the trigger guard on his rifle, which went off as he tried to raise it to a tree stand.  Local elk were reportedly convulsing with laughter.

So as inviting as the snow may seem for winter fun, be careful out there.  And if you get in trouble, don’t bother calling the cops.  They’re already on the scene.

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