Scott Green

Today I cast my first ballot as a Chicago voter, and I’m nervous because I don’t think the city wants me.  The first proof I had was my registration card, made out to one “Soott Green.”

My guess is that when I get to my polling place, I’ll be handed a ballot with “suggested” candidates already helpfully selected.  If I do well enough with that I’ll advance to the bonus round, where I’ll have the chance to vote for the right judges for fun prizes like not getting my electricity shut off.

This was the impression I got in college, when I studied Chicago’s electoral system.  I did this largely through “American Pharaoh,” a 614-page biography of former mayor Richard J. Daley of which I read nearly 80 pages.

Unfortunately I don’t remember everything precisely, but according to my research paper Daley was Mayor from page 219 until his death on 580.  He ruled the city with an iron fist, a condition that led to his fatal heart attack.

To make sure his candidates won, Daley established a system of ward and precinct captains whose job was to use city services and clout to sway voters.  For example, if the captain knew you hadn’t voted correctly, you couldn’t come to him with problems such as that large city goons had broken your legs for not voting correctly.

Today the city is completely different.  Your legs get broken electronically.  Also current mayor Richard M. Daley (no relation) is incorruptible, because whenever the subject is brought up in a press conference he acts indignant in a somewhat realistic-seeming way.

I know the basic rule in Chicago is to register as a Democrat.  But beyond that, it’s tough.  This is an especially tricky election because normally you’re supposed to vote for the incumbent machine candidates, but those people are actively trying to lose.  Take Cook County Board President Todd Stroger, who enacted an 85% tax on voting for him.

Then there’s the governor’s race, which pits incumbent Pat Quinn against comptroller Dan Hynes.  The right person to vote for is whoever’s going to win, because the attack ads I saw indicate each man will come after me if I support his opponent.  He’ll either dispatch released felons (Quinn, per Hynes’s prison ads) or zombies (Hynes, per Quinn’s cemetery ads).

So what I’ve decided to do is look to a trusted mentor for guidance.  I’m going to vote the same as my grandfather’s ballot.  He died in 1994.  I bet he’ll get it right.

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