Good journalists use sharp, precise language to convey ideas clearly. Pfft. What I’m trying to do here is write a column about largeness and smallness issues affecting the private portions of our anatomies without using words that get this column filtered for content.
What does that mean for me, your Sex Column Answer Man? I’ll employ the standard practice of talking around the issue of hand with vague allusions, as in: “Bob asked the urologist to examine his euphemism.” But you’ll know what I’m talking about, because every time I make such a reference, I’ll wink at my computer screen.
Question: Why are men obsessed about size?
Answer: They think being poorly endowed somehow makes them less masculine, which is why small guys are always getting into fights, buying expensive cars, hosting a third season of “Celebrity Apprentice,” etc.
Q: Does size matter to women?
A: No, not one bit, according to any woman who ever wants to talk to you again. But when they are asked by an independent third party, like Us magazine, they complain their ex-husband Jon Gosselin is “stubby.”
Q: Kate Gosselin said that?
A: The magazine cites a source claiming she did. Another of Jon’s former bedmates described him as “tiny, tiny, tiny.”
Q: How has he responded to the allegations?
A: He was unavailable for comment because he was busy trying to purchase the Washington Monument.
Q: What about that company whose commercials promised “natural male enhancement”?
A: Yes, “Enzyte.” The product was scientifically proven to add considerable size to the bank account of Steve Warshak, former owner of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, but less good at addressing anatomical issues.
Q: Didn’t the company offer a money-back guarantee?
A: Yes, but according to Consumer Reports-owned blog “The Consumerist,” Warshak “required customers to provide notarized documents from a doctor proving that they had small genitals in order to get a refund.”
Q: That seems so restrictive!
A: They also accepted as proof Us Magazine.
Q: They should throw this Warshak guy in jail!
A: He’s currently serving a 25-year sentence for conspiracy to commit mail fraud, bank fraud, and money laundering. The co-conspirator also found guilty was – I swear this is true – his 76-year-old mother, Harriet.
Q: Did you see the photos Portland Trailblazers center Greg Oden took of himself?
A: They revealed a certain attribute that makes clear why the 7’0 athlete used to limp.
Q: Does he have a name for that attribute?
A: No, but it calls him “Little Greg.”
Q: On that same topic – not to dig up old clichés, but is it true that certain groups of men pack more heat than others?
A: Your suspicions are confirmed: Finns are better endowed than Danes. This was addressed in a highly journalistic story by Slate magazine, “The Little Princes of Denmark.” Basically, scientists in Denmark are going nuts (ha) trying to figure out the causes and possible consequences of a disparity between them and their counterparts in Finland.
Q: How has this impacted international relations?
A: Sweden made disparaging remarks to Us Magazine.
Q: As obsessed as men are about these issues, are women equally concerned about bust size?
A: No, but men are.
Q: Are large breasts good for society?
A: They’re good for Lydia Carranza. Carranza, who worked in a dental office, was shot in the chest, but the bullet was stopped by her breast implant. “Had she not had the implant, she might not be alive today,” Dr. Ashkan Ghavami told a UPI reporter.
Q: So implants can save lives?
A: I just really want women to know that.
Q: Why does anybody care that a Colorado company refused to display ads on its bus stop benches featuring well-endowed cleavage?
A: It was puppet cleavage. The touring company of “Avenue Q,” a musical Sesame Street parody, wanted to place ads featuring a busty, scantily-clad character known as “Lucy the Slut.” Jeff Moore, an account executive with the company that refused to place the ads, told the Colorado Springs Gazette “If I have to explain it to my 4-year-old or my grandmother, we don’t put it up.”
Q: He can’t explain boobs to his grandmother?
A: Let’s hope she never asks about Greg Oden.
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