Good journalists use sharp, precise language to convey ideas clearly.  Pfft.  What I’m trying to do here is write a column about largeness and smallness issues affecting the private portions of our anatomies without using words that get this column filtered for content.

What does that mean for me, your Sex Column Answer Man?  I’ll employ the standard practice of talking around the issue of hand with vague allusions, as in: “Bob asked the urologist to examine his euphemism.”  But you’ll know what I’m talking about, because every time I make such a reference, I’ll wink at my computer screen.

Question: Why are men obsessed about size? Read the rest of this entry »

Sure the Winter Olympics have been beset by problems like the torch lighting snafu and the murderous luge track and that Vancouver’s been 74 and sunny.  But the viewing audience has largely overlooked these problems, because we’ve overlooked the entire Olympics.

Granted, ratings are high.  But it’s not to watch the majesty of competition.  It’s because, with a several-hour tape delay and selective editing, viewers know they’ll see all the significant wipeouts of the day in real-time and several slow-motion replays. Read the rest of this entry »

Today I cast my first ballot as a Chicago voter, and I’m nervous because I don’t think the city wants me.  The first proof I had was my registration card, made out to one “Soott Green.”

My guess is that when I get to my polling place, I’ll be handed a ballot with “suggested” candidates already helpfully selected.  If I do well enough with that I’ll advance to the bonus round, where I’ll have the chance to vote for the right judges for fun prizes like not getting my electricity shut off.

Read the rest of this entry »

It takes a lot of work to get married:  selecting a venue; whittling the guest list; designing the invitations; receiving gifts.

I never thought getting presents would be so difficult.  I assumed I’d just send my fiancée, Michelle, to a couple of showers and she’d come home with gifts we could enjoy as a couple, like season tickets. Read the rest of this entry »

If I ever want to become stinking rich, I need to spend all my money.  This is according to my radio, which implores me to buy as much gold as I can get my hands on.  Via commercials from Goldline International, Inc.:

“GOLD!  It’s the soundest investment you can make, moreso even than collector plates.  But now a secret stash of GOLD COINS has been found.  Our CEO purchased a couch at Ben Bernancke’s GARAGE SALE, and under the CUSHIONS were SEVERAL THOUSAND GOLD COINS.  GRANTED, most were FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE to commemorate HANNUKAH, the Jewish FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS.  GOLD COINS are the BEST investment you can make because they’re so SHINY.  If it was good enough for PIRATES, it’s good enough for YOU!  GOLD!” Read the rest of this entry »

To stay safe this holiday season you’ll want to follow standard winter protocol, such as not coming to a snowball fight without a gun.

This was the error made by hundreds of residents of Washington, D.C., who went to a little-used intersection in the city during last weekend’s blizzard.  The event was hastily arranged on Twitter because, even with two feet of snow, people needed the Internet to tell them to go outside and throw snowballs. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m tired of all this holiday spirit.  Not the festive atmosphere of peace and goodwill to all who aren’t attempting to buy the same Twilight merchandise as you.  The spirit of the word “holiday,” as in people telling each other “Happy Holidays,” when they’re really wishing is Merry Christmas plus a New Year’s hangover that’s not too debilitating.

I’m not Christian, but you can wish me a merry December 25 anyway.  Christmas is a wonderful day for people like me.  Think about it:  Chinese food is plentiful; movie theaters are empty; riverboat casinos stay open.  I get to share with family a weekday that doesn’t count as vacation time, and we don’t even have to go to church. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve noticed there are a lot of unattractive people out there, and I’d really like to do something to help them give me money.

There’s a lot to be made because as a species, humans are obsessed with looking younger, thinner and prettier.  There is an evolutionary reason for this:  back in caveman days, if you weren’t young, thin and pretty, you had very little chance of being cast on a reality television program. Read the rest of this entry »

This classic Scott Green column was originally published November 29, 2007.  Scott returns with an all-new column Monday, December 7.

Around harvest season in 1621, a year in which the funny hat supply ran devastatingly low, the Pilgrims hosted a feast with whichever of the local Indians they had not yet killed.  And when it came time for the main course they ate as quickly as possible, so as to be first in line at Ye Olde Walle-Marte to buy discount flat-panel HDTVs.  It was the first post-Thanksgiving sale.

Even the men went shopping that year, as there were no football games on television.  This was largely because the NFL had not yet been invented, though the Plymouth Rock-Gazette was already speculating about when Brett Favre would retire. Read the rest of this entry »

No city gets into the holiday spirit like Chicago, which is why, by statute, city potholes must be large enough to fit Santa.

Potholes are a major civic annoyance that appear seasonally and are usually sloshy, like Cubs fans.  Though unlike Cubs fans they cause tire damage, so you don’t want to drive them over with your car. Read the rest of this entry »