Archive for category Humor Columns
Walking down the aisle… at Bed Bath & Beyond
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 19th, 2010
It takes a lot of work to get married: selecting a venue; whittling the guest list; designing the invitations; receiving gifts.
I never thought getting presents would be so difficult. I assumed I’d just send my fiancée, Michelle, to a couple of showers and she’d come home with gifts we could enjoy as a couple, like season tickets. Read the rest of this entry »
Rich like Mario
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 5th, 2010
If I ever want to become stinking rich, I need to spend all my money. This is according to my radio, which implores me to buy as much gold as I can get my hands on. Via commercials from Goldline International, Inc.:
“GOLD! It’s the soundest investment you can make, moreso even than collector plates. But now a secret stash of GOLD COINS has been found. Our CEO purchased a couch at Ben Bernancke’s GARAGE SALE, and under the CUSHIONS were SEVERAL THOUSAND GOLD COINS. GRANTED, most were FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE to commemorate HANNUKAH, the Jewish FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS. GOLD COINS are the BEST investment you can make because they’re so SHINY. If it was good enough for PIRATES, it’s good enough for YOU! GOLD!” Read the rest of this entry »
…But the firearms are so delightful
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 22nd, 2009
To stay safe this holiday season you’ll want to follow standard winter protocol, such as not coming to a snowball fight without a gun.
This was the error made by hundreds of residents of Washington, D.C., who went to a little-used intersection in the city during last weekend’s blizzard. The event was hastily arranged on Twitter because, even with two feet of snow, people needed the Internet to tell them to go outside and throw snowballs. Read the rest of this entry »
Merry Jewish Christmas
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 15th, 2009
I’m tired of all this holiday spirit. Not the festive atmosphere of peace and goodwill to all who aren’t attempting to buy the same Twilight merchandise as you. The spirit of the word “holiday,” as in people telling each other “Happy Holidays,” when they’re really wishing is Merry Christmas plus a New Year’s hangover that’s not too debilitating.
I’m not Christian, but you can wish me a merry December 25 anyway. Christmas is a wonderful day for people like me. Think about it: Chinese food is plentiful; movie theaters are empty; riverboat casinos stay open. I get to share with family a weekday that doesn’t count as vacation time, and we don’t even have to go to church. Read the rest of this entry »
Save BIG by botching your own plastic surgery
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 7th, 2009
I’ve noticed there are a lot of unattractive people out there, and I’d really like to do something to help them give me money.
There’s a lot to be made because as a species, humans are obsessed with looking younger, thinner and prettier. There is an evolutionary reason for this: back in caveman days, if you weren’t young, thin and pretty, you had very little chance of being cast on a reality television program. Read the rest of this entry »
The tale of the Black Friday pilgrims
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 30th, 2009
This classic Scott Green column was originally published November 29, 2007. Scott returns with an all-new column Monday, December 7.
Around harvest season in 1621, a year in which the funny hat supply ran devastatingly low, the Pilgrims hosted a feast with whichever of the local Indians they had not yet killed. And when it came time for the main course they ate as quickly as possible, so as to be first in line at Ye Olde Walle-Marte to buy discount flat-panel HDTVs. It was the first post-Thanksgiving sale.
Even the men went shopping that year, as there were no football games on television. This was largely because the NFL had not yet been invented, though the Plymouth Rock-Gazette was already speculating about when Brett Favre would retire. Read the rest of this entry »
‘Tis the season to hit potholes
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 23rd, 2009
No city gets into the holiday spirit like Chicago, which is why, by statute, city potholes must be large enough to fit Santa.
Potholes are a major civic annoyance that appear seasonally and are usually sloshy, like Cubs fans. Though unlike Cubs fans they cause tire damage, so you don’t want to drive them over with your car. Read the rest of this entry »
Act now and we’ll throw in Decatur!
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 16th, 2009
I hope your finances are in order because if you don’t act right now, you’ll miss your chance to purchase historic Illinois.
Think about what you’d be getting: the place where Abraham Lincoln practiced law; the state from which Abraham Lincoln was elected President; the land where Abraham Lincoln is buried; the home of the ’85 Bears. Illinois was the state with the can-do spirit to take a skinny black guy with a Muslim name and, in just four short years, get him to move 700 miles away. Read the rest of this entry »
Ill Bill
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 9th, 2009
I think it’s wonderful the House has passed health care reform legislation. Not on the merits of the bill. It’s not like the thing will become an actual law during my lifetime. What I’m excited about is that with all the yelling and name-calling and baseless accusations, congressmen in both houses haven’t had time to actually legislate, which means no official recognition of Oprah Winfrey’s birthday or $4.5 billion Roland Burris Institute For Political Ethics.
It takes forever for Congress to enact any kind of substantial change. You can thank our founding fathers for this. The system by which a bill becomes a law may seem silly and arbitrary, but bear in mind that the Constitution was written with great deliberation by learned men who thought it’d be hilarious to make the rules silly and arbitrary. Read the rest of this entry »
Not to alarm you, but the universe is missing
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 2nd, 2009
In this week’s installment of Scott Solves Your Everyday Problems, I’ll get to the bottom of this pesky issue of the 96 percent of the universe that’s gone missing.
I’m not making up this problem. I learned about it in Michael Brooks’ new book, “Thirteen Things That Don’t Make Sense.” We can be certain it’s a sound scientific work because it features a cover blurb from “New Scientist,” a magazine so prestigious it was once edited by noted scientist Michael Brooks.
Anyway, according to Brooks’ book, only 4 percent of the cosmos can be accounted for. The way scientists figured this out is, they looked into their telescopes and, using knowledge accumulated over the centuries, discovered the lens caps were still on. So they looked again and found that certain stars are accelerating away from us at rates higher than the laws of physics can explain, though frankly, considering some of the stuff that happens on this planet, you can hardly blame them. Read the rest of this entry »
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