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	<title>Scott Says</title>
	<link>http://scottsays.com</link>
	<description>The Official Website of Humor Columnist Scott Green</description>
	<lastBuildDate>Thu, 20 Nov 2008 07:09:59 +0000</lastBuildDate>
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	<language>en</language>
	
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		<title>This Chief Illiniwek column is extremely controversial</title>
		<description><![CDATA[This whole &#8220;Chief Illiniwek returns to campus&#8221; thing really got me upset. I mean, my column about Obama last week got zero responses on the DI website, whereas anything about the Chief has people firing half-baked comment-board opinions like so many monkeys flinging poop.
People have very strong opinions about this Illiniwek fellow, and if stoking [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/11/20/this-chief-illiniwek-column-is-extremely-controversial/</link>
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		<title>An extremely historic night at Grant Park</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I was at Grant Park last Tuesday for Barack Obama&#8217;s election night party. It was surreal - the speech, the election, the strangers bunched so tight against me that we may be married. If I had to use a single word, that word would be &#8220;historic,&#8221; because you can put &#8220;historic&#8221; before any noun and [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/11/13/an-extremely-historic-night-at-grant-park/</link>
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		<title>Time for Dubya to build his legacy</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Now that the 2008 election is over, George W. Bush gets to do the cool things all lame duck presidents get to do, such as pardoning whoever he wants. Washington insiders expect him to pardon I. Lewis &#8216;Scooter&#8217; &#8216;Moped&#8217; Libby, who was involved in the Valerie Plame leak, and Darth Vader, who tried to quell [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/11/06/time-for-dubya-to-build-his-legacy/</link>
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		<title>Unclogging the politics of plumbing</title>
		<description><![CDATA[According to Politico.com, a major record studio is reportedly in talks right now to put out a country music album as early as inauguration day, starring - naturally - Joe the Plumber. The guy&#8217;s been in newspapers, on TV, and is supposedly mulling a run for Congress. It&#8217;s only a matter of time until he [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/10/30/unclogging-the-politics-of-plumbing/</link>
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		<title>How America picks its slacker-in-chief</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Though I was always told I could be anything when I grew up, the Presidency seemed outside the realm of possibilities. For one thing, I have the personal warmth of a brown recluse spider. Also, nobody believes in me. Zero political connections. Bad hair.
One thing that isn&#8217;t holding me back is my college GPA. I&#8217;d [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/10/23/how-america-picks-its-slacker-in-chief/</link>
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		<title>A little league loser finally finds baseball</title>
		<description><![CDATA[The World Series begins next Wednesday with two teams I do not root for, and for the first time in my life, I sort of care.
I was never into baseball as a youngster, though I played the game regularly. I had my own strategy in Little League that consisted of never swinging. Sure, this may [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/10/16/a-little-league-loser-finally-finds-baseball/</link>
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		<title>Hey undecided voters&#8230;  Surprise!  It&#8217;s October</title>
		<description><![CDATA[As the presidential campaigns round third and head into the home stretch on a Hail Mary buzzer beater hat trick of sports metaphors, there&#8217;s one certainty: You will be stunned.
It&#8217;s the season when desperate campaigns or excitable media pull some stunt or release information they expect will shock voters into changing their minds. They&#8217;re called [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/10/09/hey-undecided-voters-surprise-its-october/</link>
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		<title>I&#8217;m 25 years old.  Now what?</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I turned 25 Sunday, and I&#8217;m not happy about it. Yes, I received some lovely gifts, and yes, I spent the weekend surrounded by family and friends, but every time someone asked me to smile for a picture, I felt like they were sizing me up for dentures.
I don&#8217;t like being 25 on a college [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/10/02/im-25-years-old-now-what/</link>
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		<title>Never trust a dead, talking British fish</title>
		<description><![CDATA[As the old William Shakespeare quote goes, &#8220;There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.&#8221; This is a lie. There are way more than three kinds of lies. White lies, for instance and my mother&#8217;s hair color.
Also Shakespeare never said it. It was Benjamin Disraeli, who, according to Wikipedia, is &#8220;some kind [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/09/30/never-trust-a-dead-talking-british-fish/</link>
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		<title>A floating question mark about the economy</title>
		<description><![CDATA[You may be worried about the economy, what with the bankruptcy last week of Lehman Brothers, the buyout of Merrill Lynch, the bailout of AIG by the federal government and the termination of McDonald&#8217;s $1 soft drink promotion. But there is absolutely nothing for the average American to worry about, provided he has diversified his [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/09/25/a-floating-question-mark-about-the-economy/</link>
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		<title>Morgan Freeman says to take a deep breath</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Microsoft paid Jerry Seinfeld $10 million to fit Bill Gates for shoes in a TV commercial. I don&#8217;t see the logic behind this. I mean, if you were Microsoft, would you have Seinfeld fit your chairman for shoes? Or would you go the more reasonable route and use his voice for that animated paper clip? [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/09/18/morgan-freeman-says-to-take-a-deep-breath/</link>
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		<title>This week&#8217;s nakedest online NFL tight end is&#8230;</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Chris Cooley.










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		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/09/17/this-weeks-nakedest-online-nfl-tight-end-is/</link>
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		<title>Your trusty Sex Column Answer Man goes political</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Your average politician has the sex appeal of a jack-o-lantern, and yet these guys have romantic encounters all the time. Take Eliot Spitzer, for example. The guy looks like Kermit the Frog, but still was able to have sex for less than $5,000.
Think about the recent headlines. John Edwards admitted to an affair with a [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/09/11/your-trusty-sex-column-answer-man-goes-political/</link>
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		<title>All the lies my rush chair told me</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Whether to join a fraternity or not is one of the biggest, life-defining decisions a new student can make. That&#8217;s why it&#8217;s very important you do not commit to a house until you have given it careful thought, by which I mean &#8220;consumed twelve Jell-O shots.&#8221;
Ha ha, that was a joke. Anyone in the Greek [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/09/04/all-the-lies-my-rush-chair-told-me/</link>
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		<title>Roommates, snore at your own risk</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Welcome to college! You and your new roommate will get along splendidly and soon be the closest of friends, unless he snores, in which case you&#8217;ll have to kill him.
Just kidding. You&#8217;ll want to kill him even if he doesn&#8217;t snore. This is because it takes a lot of maturity to live with another human [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/08/28/roommates-snore-at-your-own-risk/</link>
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		<title>Two conventions, two deep comas</title>
		<description><![CDATA[It&#8217;s Barack Obama&#8217;s big night! Democratic National Convention organizers have moved the final evening of the week-long event from the Pepsi Center in downtown Denver to Invesco Field at Mile High, home of the Denver Broncos. It will be there where Obama will be named the party&#8217;s candidate, provided he can make a 50-yard field [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/08/28/two-conventions-two-deep-comas/</link>
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		<title>The Sex Column Answer Man</title>
		<description><![CDATA[If you want to succeed in journalism, you need to select topics carefully, research thoroughly, interview intelligently, and use adverbs sparingly. Or you can write about sex.
It doesn&#8217;t matter what you say about it. &#8220;The sex was a vapid, purple, pistachioed umbrella,&#8221; you can write, and yours will be the most-read story on your publication&#8217;s [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/07/30/the-sex-column-answer-man/</link>
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		<title>John McCain won&#8217;t click this</title>
		<description><![CDATA[When it comes to the Internet, old people have the know-how of squid. I&#8217;m not sure if it&#8217;s because they&#8217;re stuck in their ways or because there aren&#8217;t a lot of web sites dedicated to false teeth, but something about going online leaves them quaking in their Depends.
[Note to editor: Please remove that paragraph from [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/07/23/john-mccain-wont-click-this/</link>
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		<title>We must save Bud, the whales</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Between the Iraq War, deniers of global warming, Guantanamo Bay detainees and pushy American tourists, the United States&#8217;s perception in the global community has hit a staggering low. So the last thing we need is for the world to know how vile our beer is.
Belgian company InBev bought Anheuser-Busch, which brews nearly half of all [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/07/16/we-must-save-bud-the-whales/</link>
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		<title>Hey, Fox News Channel!  Come on, do your worst</title>
		<description><![CDATA[There&#8217;s a code of ethics in the news media which, as far as I can tell, serves no practical purpose. You&#8217;d sell a lot more papers if you could make up headlines like &#8220;McCain grows to colossal size; uses laser-vision to slash budget.&#8221; That&#8217;s why working at Fox News is such a plum job - [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/07/09/hey-fox-news-channel-come-on-do-your-worst/</link>
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		<title>Bozos rain on gay pride parade</title>
		<description><![CDATA[At Chicago&#8217;s gay pride parade Sunday afternoon, I saw an outlandish collection of freaks and degenerates, out and proud for something inherently shameful. I&#8217;m talking about the protestors.
Near the end of the parade&#8217;s route on the corner of Pine Grove and Diversey, wooden riot-control barricades and a few disinterested-looking cops surrounded about 20 or 30 [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/07/02/bozos-rain-on-gay-pride-parade/</link>
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		<title>Beg for it, Hillary</title>
		<description><![CDATA[If you really wanted to make Barack Obama the next President of the United States, you would go online right now and make a large contribution to Hillary Clinton&#8217;s campaign.
I&#8217;m not certain why this helps Obama, but in a new video posted on HillaryClinton.com, the New York senator asks America to join her in supporting [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/06/25/beg-for-it-hillary/</link>
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		<title>My manhood is burning</title>
		<description><![CDATA[The manliest thing a guy can have is confidence, and I summoned all mine in a very manly way recently when I bought a vanilla and lime-scented candle.
This was the first aromatic candle purchase of my life. I started with no idea which one I wanted to buy, but I knew why I wanted it: [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/06/18/my-manhood-is-burning/</link>
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		<title>A bucket for Barack Obama</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Now that Barack Obama has secured the Democratic nomination for president, his focus can shift to the next major task: Petitioning Microsoft Word to include his name in spell check.
He can also choose a running mate. The Vice Presidency is a prestigious position held only by individuals who can &#8220;balance the ticket,&#8221; which is a [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/06/11/a-bucket-for-barack-obama/</link>
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		<title>What you might&#8217;ve missed during spring</title>
		<description><![CDATA[As the old adage goes, &#8220;If you don&#8217;t have anything nice to say, don&#8217;t say anything at all, unless you have an 800-word column to write.&#8221; It is in this spirit that I recap spring semester 2008, which we would all like to forget, but not until after reading this piece. After all, The Daily [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/05/04/what-you-mightve-missed-during-spring/</link>
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		<title>You didn&#8217;t play frisbee on the Quad?</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Graduation is the first day of the rest of your life, by which I mean &#8220;Ha ha, you have to be an adult now.&#8221; Not that I would know. I got my Political Science degree in 2006 but began law school that fall, so I&#8217;ve staved off adulthood at least until I get my Juris [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/05/01/you-didnt-play-frisbee-on-the-quad/</link>
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		<title>My &#8216;Harding&#8217; miniseries has what HBO&#8217;s &#8216;John Adams&#8217; lacked:  nudity</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Sometimes it is perfectly appropriate to have an opinion on something you have never experienced. For example, I have an opinion on abortion, even though I have never personally been aborted.
This is the case with &#8220;John Adams,&#8221; the HBO miniseries that aired its final episode Sunday night. I never watched it, but I&#8217;ve heard it [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/04/24/my-harding-miniseries-has-what-hbos-john-adams-lacked-nudity/</link>
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		<title>Somehow, the &#8216;big one&#8217; just doesn&#8217;t feel right</title>
		<description><![CDATA[If you&#8217;re reading this, congratulations! You survived the lamest earthquake I&#8217;ve ever heard of.
I don&#8217;t mean to disparage the hardy citizens who lived through Friday morning&#8217;s tremors, but as far as earthquakes go, this was not exactly the one you&#8217;ll tell your grandchildren about. It might be the one you tell your parents about, when [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/04/21/somehow-the-big-one-just-doesnt-feel-right/</link>
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		<title>Holy Moses, it&#8217;s the story of Passover</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Of all the Jewish holidays, Passover is definitely the only one that begins this Saturday night. It&#8217;s the Jewish equivalent of Easter, except you have to replace &#8220;Jesus&#8221; with &#8220;Moses,&#8221; &#8220;resurrected&#8221; with &#8220;not resurrected&#8221; and &#8220;Cadbury Creme Eggs&#8221; with &#8220;guilt.&#8221; Passover commemorates the Jewish people&#8217;s escape from slavery in Egypt, followed by 40 years of [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/04/17/holy-moses-its-the-story-of-passover/</link>
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		<title>So you&#8217;ve decided to burn down an orphanage</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Today&#8217;s topic is how you, an average citizen who just happens to be a major scumbag politician, can avoid public scorn. The simple secret is to come clean before anyone suspects something is wrong. For example, let&#8217;s say you are a United States Congressperson who intends to set fire to the Orphanage For Really Cute [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://scottsays.com/2008/04/10/so-youve-decided-to-burn-down-an-orphanage/</link>
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