Don’t pick me, Pat
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 31st, 2009
The University of Illinois Board of Trustees still has five vacancies for Governor Pat Quinn to fill, and I would totally want the position, if only it paid anything.
See, trustees work on a volunteer basis. This is not a good way to get talented people to do things. It’s a position with no pay, regular travel to Urbana, Illinois, and no ability to leverage your clout, what with the Chicago Tribune’s annoying scrutiny. It makes more sense to try and find a job in law. Read the rest of this entry »
Obama babies: fact or horrible fact?
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 24th, 2009
I’m more terrified of Barack Obama than ever, what with the death panels and his connections to domestic terrorism and the army of babies he’s hiding away.
Don’t be so shocked. Back in November, “Obama Babies” were big news. The theory was, Obama supporters were so thrilled about his victory, they jumped into bed and had sex, which, as conservatives know, is only for procreation.
Not that it’s hard to get a female Democrat in bed. You earn her trust by telling her how liberated she is and that she doesn’t need a man for anything, then move for the kill with a teddy bear and flowers. Read the rest of this entry »
Your manhood, as measured in stuffed animals
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 13th, 2009
Carnival games are an American tradition. There’s no feeling of accomplishment like spending $40 to prove to the operator you can outsmart him for a $7 prize.
I won a stuffed animal last week at Cedar Point, a giant theme park in Ohio famous for its regular appearances on the Travel Channel’s “Things That Exist Someplace.” The trip was a law school graduation present from my fiancée, Michelle, who knew the best way to celebrate my newfound maturity was a day of ice cream and roller coasters. Read the rest of this entry »
Pledge football: an up-down experience
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 15th, 2009
Those of you lucky enough to join a fraternity this fall can look forward to the tradition of playing in a pledge football game, in the same sense that people who get gored by a bull can look forward to losing a lot of blood.
The problem wasn’t the game itself, which was a lot of fun. It was a nighttime flag football match in front of a few hundred spectators, and we even got to play our rival house, though none of us particularly hated the other team because we didn’t know anyone in their house.
No, the problem was the process leading up to the game, which required daily practices. In other words: exercise. Read the rest of this entry »
I don’t have the energy to write a headline
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 8th, 2009
We have to stop this menace, and we have to stop it now. I’m talking about that new 5-Hour Energy commercial, the one featuring a shaggy-haired college kid in a sideways baseball cap who holds a skateboard while saying things like “tear it up” and “totally kickin’.”
Clearly the company doesn’t understand modern collegians. Where’s the kid’s Nirvana cassette tape or pog collection? But here we have a company that sells energy drinks, a product purchased by every college student I’ve ever known, that is completely out of touch with the market. Read the rest of this entry »
Your Sex Column Answer Man will work for Fritos
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 1st, 2009
The recession has affected everything in this country, from tax policy to car purchases to the market of people willing to pay straight-out-of-college journalists six figures to write humor columns.
It’s also touched the love lives of a lot of Americans, or at least the ones whose bedrooms I can see into from my 21st-floor apartment.
Lucky thing your favorite (and only, thanks to trademark law) Sex Column Answer Man is on the case, answering whatever questions I felt like asking myself.
Question: What are some ways to save money in the bedroom? Read the rest of this entry »
Athletes as students: major problems
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 24th, 2009
It’s the middle of summer break, which means student athletes are preparing for the upcoming season with 12 hours of grueling math drills a day.
Actually, they spend their summers training on the field, preparing to do the serious academic work of catching a football. This seems removed from the mission of the University, which consists of providing a top-tier education to Illinoisans whose parents gave money to Rod Blagojevich. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Shark weak August 5, 2010
- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010