Scott Green

Q: What does “FAQ” stand for?

A: Fractional Additive Quotient.

Q: Isn’t it “Frequently Asked Questions?”

A: I’m just relieved the “FA” part doesn’t stand for “Factual Answers.”

Q: How can I contact you?

A: Try e-mail: scott@scottsays.com.

Q: Would you like to date my sister?

A: No.

Q:  Why not?

A:  On February 14, 2008, I wrote a column titled “Happy Valentine’s Day!  Have this dead squirrel.”  It was about how worthless I was at meeting women, dating back to when I was 12 years old and had a crush on Michelle Zimbler but never had the guts to ask her out.

Q:  So?

A:  Michelle loved the column, we went on a date, we went on more dates, and we’re now engaged.

Q:  Wow!  That would make a great column.

A:  You mean like this one?

Q:  Who, or what, is “SCAM”?

A:  “SCAM” is the Sex Column Answer Man, a persona I use to answer the most pressing questions about sex I can think of when there are no good column topics.

Q: How did you start writing a humor column?

A: My first were published in the spring of 2003 in the newly re-launched Buzz newspaper in Champaign, and they were pretty bad. I used to blame the copy editors, who in all fairness were merciless butchers, but the pieces weren’t that great even before they got hacked up.

Q: After four and a half years, why did you decide to give it another shot?

A: In May 2007 I realized I had never been a weekly columnist, a goal of mine since high school. I wrote a sample column and submitted it, and three months later I’d been picked. The first month or so, I wrote ironically about serious issues. Then I was assigned a point/counterpoint with fellow columnist Paul Schmitt, for which we wrote “Bush: Great President or The Greatest President?” I took “Greatest,” wrote it completely tongue-in-cheek, and had so much fun I decided to focus on humor. My September 27, 2007 column, “Law School Q&A,” is what I consider my first real published humor column.

Q: Is it true you were named one of five campus All-Stars for Fall 2007 in the Daily Illini, and that you were the only student to receive the honor?

A: Yes, but in all fairness the list was compiled by the aforementioned Paul Schmitt, whose lack of taste is evident when you consider that he actually enjoys my columns. I was still honored. It was better than being named one of Paul’s “All-Stiffs.”

Q:  Any other awards?

A:  Twist my arm, why don’t you.  I was named one of the 100 top college journalists in America in April, 2009.

Q:  Who have you written for?

A:  My columns appear every Thursday in the Daily Illini.  During the 2008 election cycle, I wrote political humor for the Youth Vote ’08 blog, which ran on the Washington Post and CBS News web sites.  I’m not sure who else has published my writing, though, because other media sources can syndicate my column from UWire.com.  (I don’t get paid for this.  Send UWire angry letters.)  And in March, 2010, I started contributing to Gawker.

Q: What separates a good humor columnist from a bad one?

A: I’m probably the wrong person to ask, since I’m new at this and still trying to figure it out, but there are a few things that are pretty important. The first is a consistent comic voice, which means that from week to week, I’m not switching from a cantankerous old bastard to a well-meaning doofus. This is one of the many things that Dave Barry has been so good at; he is always able to find humor from a point of view I would describe as “Third-Party Goofball,” even when he writes about himself. If you read enough of Dave’s stuff, you’ll know what I mean.

Good humor columnists are also self-deprecating. I saw a terrible column in which the columnist wrote about why he is so funny. (Bonus points: The jokes in his “Why-I’m-Funny” column all fell flat.) A lot of times you can weasel out of potentially offensive jokes by reigning them in and making the punchlines about how much of an idiot you (the columnist) are.

Finally, good humor columnists find new ways to pleasantly surprise their readers. Sometimes I think of a punchline first and work backward to write a set-up that gets to the punch in a twisted new way; this is the easiest way to do it, but the tough thing is spontaneously coming up with a punchline, which isn’t hard so much as nearly impossible to just do. The Puritan Work Ethic way to write a joke is to figure out the setup first. Bad humorists make the obvious punchline; “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.” Good humorists know when the audience sees the punchline coming and twist it to pop readers with something new. (“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other punchline.”) Or we can just use poop jokes, which are basically a fix-all. (“Why did the chicken cross the road? To poop to the other poop.”)

Q: Is it hard writing a weekly column while going to law school?

A: Not really. I enjoy writing so I consider it a fun use of my free time. The real problem comes in convincing prospective employers that I’m viable as an attorney and not just a goof-off jokester who doesn’t take anything seriously. I still haven’t figured out how to defeat that perception, so let me know if you have any ideas.

Q: Aren’t you just using the writing styles of Dave Barry, Erma Bombeck, and other humor columnists?

A: Without those writers I wouldn’t be doing this, and I think it’s obvious that I learned a lot about what I do from obsessively studying other humorists, but no writer is an island.  Dave Barry, for instance, was probably as influenced by Robert Benchley as I am by Dave Barry. (Barry gives Benchley credit in almost every serious interview he’s given.) Other major influences include Mad Magazine, “The Simpsons” and The Onion.

Q: What advice do you have for aspiring humorists?

A: First, stay as cynical and objective as you can. You don’t have to write that way, but if you and your humor are not grounded in reality, you’ll miss your mark.

Second, immerse yourself with humor. Watch “The Simpsons” and other great comedies obsessively and learn from them. Subscribe to The Onion and Mad Magazine and The American Spectator and just soak up the humor. Read Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck and Mark Twain and Robert Benchley and all the great witty minds you can find. Try to write humor like all these other sources write humor. Once you develop an innate sense of how it works, your own style will develop based on what suits you and your personality best.

Third, don’t let anybody tell you that you can’t do it, even if they’re right, which they probably are, since this is a really tough field to break into. I’m serious here. If I had listened to my high school journalism adviser, I’d have stayed on staff of “The Statesman” at Stevenson High School my senior year writing articles about movies about cats instead of publishing my own underground satirical newspaper. That adviser was old and miserable and probably wanted me to fail, and I proved her wrong by writing a college newspaper column that takes the precious little time I otherwise would use to study for law school to secure a good future. So take that, Miss Dagro!