Posts Tagged Campus
Caps and groans
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 27th, 2009
I worked my butt off all three years of law school, so naturally I had to dress like a mental patient to graduate.
Silly clothing is a long-standing tradition of higher education. Two weeks ago my classmates and I crossed the stage in blue robes with dark blue arm patches, blue mortarboards, and a purple hood with blue and orange stripes. The outfit symbolized that I had earned my Juris Doctor at a top-25 law school and therefore had dignity.
In academia, the more honors you accumulate the dumber you have to look at graduation. Students get caps and gowns; professors on stage get black robes with golden cords and some even wear black puffy caps. Once President Obama starts racking up honorary degrees, he’ll have to give commencement speeches dressed like Flavor Flav. Read the rest of this entry »
What you might’ve missed during spring
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 12th, 2009
It’s important for great societies to keep histories of all their goings-on. We might as well keep one of ours, too. It’s in this spirit that I present my recap of spring semester 2009, because otherwise I might accidentally study for finals.
JANUARY
Zipcar places two rental vehicles on campus to serve 40,000 students. “It’s super convenient to use,” says junior Horace Glorf, “and as soon as my turn to use one of the cars comes up in eight years, I’m totally going to Walgreens.”
Governor Rod Blagojevich is removed from office by the state legislature. To prove he is more than a shameless attention seeker, Blagojevich appears on 3,178 talk shows.
To conserve resources, the Lincoln Avenue Residence Hall cafeteria becomes the second on campus to go trayless. Enough water is saved that, for the first time ever, some LAR residents take showers. Read the rest of this entry »
Learning, and other horrors of grad school
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 28th, 2009
As a law student, undergrads are always asking me questions. “Why do you think I care that you’re a law student?” is a typical one.
The truth is we graduate-level students have a lot of wisdom, as measured in ponytails. And there’s nothing we know better than why you shouldn’t become a grad student yourself. Read the rest of this entry »
What you might’ve missed during spring
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 4th, 2008
As the old adage goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, unless you have an 800-word column to write.” It is in this spirit that I recap spring semester 2008, which we would all like to forget, but not until after reading this piece. After all, The Daily Illini needs to sell more advertisements to bus companies trying to convey the important transportation-related message that their competitors would sell you to a tribe of cannibals if the opportunity presented itself.
JANUARY
The Fighting Illini football team plays USC in the Rose Bowl. All eyes in the nation are on the game until midway through the first quarter, when USC takes a seven-touchdown lead, at which point all eyes in the nation turn to “Seinfeld” reruns. Read the rest of this entry »
You didn’t play frisbee on the Quad?
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 1st, 2008
Graduation is the first day of the rest of your life, by which I mean “Ha ha, you have to be an adult now.” Not that I would know. I got my Political Science degree in 2006 but began law school that fall, so I’ve staved off adulthood at least until I get my Juris Doctor in 2009, and possibly until after medical school and barber college.
But if you’re an outgoing senior, you should be proud of yourself that you showed up to class often enough to not fail out. No one understands better than me how hard it is to crawl out of bed every morning at 2 p.m. Read the rest of this entry »
After six years, Mom’s Weekend getting old
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 8th, 2008
Is your mother coming to visit you this weekend? Congratulations, you still have four days to move to a different address. Otherwise you will be subjected to a number of Mom’s Weekend traditions that have happened every year for as long as anybody can remember. It’s like the State of the Union address, only more boring.
This is my sixth year at Illinois, so I know all these traditions cold. Of course, now that I have them memorized, my parents no longer care enough to come to Champaign. I am forced to spend Mom’s Weekend without anyone telling me how stupid my wardrobe is or badgering me because I never talk about girls. So basically, my weekend will be very enjoyable. Read the rest of this entry »
Leadership you can trust, if you’ve been drinking
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 21st, 2008
I cannot stress enough the importance of being an active participant in University politics, so you should definitely vote in this semester’s campus elections, unless they already happened.
Apparently the elections are next Tuesday and Wednesday. So to honor our system of participatory democracy, I am announcing my write-in candidacy for Student Trustee in the spirit of the ages-old political saying, “You should always run for stuff where the winner gets to ride around in a University-sponsored limo.” This is an actual perk Trustees enjoy, although their main job is to attend Board of Trustees meetings and think snarky thoughts about the other trustees. Read the rest of this entry »
Scott Green’s Semester in Review (Fall 2007)
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 12th, 2007
Fall 2007 was a busy semester at the University of Illinois; a lot of very important and historical things happened. If, like me, you didn’t care about those important and historical things, you probably have no idea what they were. So I went out and did the minimum amount of research I felt I could get away with, and now present my month-by-month recap.
August
The University’s vending contract is switched from Coke to Pepsi, which causes the shocked and disappointed student body to not know the difference.
WHAT’S NEW- Shark weak August 5, 2010
- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010