Posts Tagged Chicago
Seeing how Chicago democracy Sootts me
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 2nd, 2010
Today I cast my first ballot as a Chicago voter, and I’m nervous because I don’t think the city wants me. The first proof I had was my registration card, made out to one “Soott Green.”
My guess is that when I get to my polling place, I’ll be handed a ballot with “suggested” candidates already helpfully selected. If I do well enough with that I’ll advance to the bonus round, where I’ll have the chance to vote for the right judges for fun prizes like not getting my electricity shut off.
‘Tis the season to hit potholes
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 23rd, 2009
No city gets into the holiday spirit like Chicago, which is why, by statute, city potholes must be large enough to fit Santa.
Potholes are a major civic annoyance that appear seasonally and are usually sloshy, like Cubs fans. Though unlike Cubs fans they cause tire damage, so you don’t want to drive them over with your car. Read the rest of this entry »
Act now and we’ll throw in Decatur!
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 16th, 2009
I hope your finances are in order because if you don’t act right now, you’ll miss your chance to purchase historic Illinois.
Think about what you’d be getting: the place where Abraham Lincoln practiced law; the state from which Abraham Lincoln was elected President; the land where Abraham Lincoln is buried; the home of the ’85 Bears. Illinois was the state with the can-do spirit to take a skinny black guy with a Muslim name and, in just four short years, get him to move 700 miles away. Read the rest of this entry »
Blame, and other Games for Chicago 2016
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 5th, 2009
We’ve had a few days to digest the International Olympic Committee’s rejection of Chicago as host of the 2016 Summer Games, so it’s time to calmly and maturely reflect on whom to blame.
One option is President Obama, who gave a speech as part of Chicago’s final presentation. Obama failed to win over enough IOC members, even though Mayor Daley specifically asked him to. Daley is also potentially at fault, for not leading Chicago to become the sort of dynamic and corrupt metropolis the IOC was looking for, namely: one that was located in South America. Read the rest of this entry »
At Wrigley, Blago just another loser
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 21st, 2009
Rod Blagojevich is no stranger to losing causes. He was removed from the Illinois governor’s office. He wanted President Obama to name him Secretary of Health and Human Services. He’s a Cubs fan.
I learned the last one Thursday afternoon, when Blagojevich sat in the row behind me at Wrigley Field. He was at the game instead of promoting his book, “The Governor,” which had only been in stores nine days and was in direct competition with Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol,” another government-themed work of fiction. Read the rest of this entry »
Shakespeare, you old hack! Happy birthday
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 23rd, 2009
Public school education focuses on long-dead poets and trigonometry but de-emphasizes things that are actually useful, like how to cheat on your taxes or identify a narc. This is why I know so much about William Shakespeare, literary icon and total hack.
Today is the Bard’s 445th birthday and the 393rd anniversary of his death. (It’s bad to die on your birthday, because people only give you one present.) Chicago’s Mayor Daley declared it “Talk Like Shakespeare Day,” which is a troubling sign for the economy, because Shakespeare couldn’t have offered much of a bribe.
It’s a major pain to talk like the guy because he wrote using “iambic pentameter,” which means “unnecessary apostrophes.” Let’s say you have to go to the bathroom. You can’t just say, “I have to go to the bathroom,” because that statement is surrounded by quotation marks. No, you’d have to say, “Verily, m’ bladd’r ars’t ‘bout t’ ‘xplode; O, won’t thou help’st me t’ thine t’e’r’l’e’t?” Of course, by the time you finish the sentence, it’s too late. Read the rest of this entry »
Finding an apartment in Chicago GREAT, RUSTIC fun
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 2nd, 2009
I finally get why people become homeless. My search for a Chicago apartment has made a refrigerator box seem awfully inviting, provided it has central air and a view of the lake.
Finding a place in college was never this hard. When I was an undergrad I picked a real estate company, its sales staff showed me some properties, and I chose the one that smelled least like a train station restroom.
In Chicago this method doesn’t work, mostly because rent is so high I can’t afford the train station restroom itself. Instead I turned to Craigslist, the Web site that helps people find apartments and then stock them with prostitutes. Read the rest of this entry »
Michael Jordan will save our economy
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 19th, 2009
I have a plan for fixing the economy that involves Michael Jordan, so Michael, please contact me at your earliest convenience.
The idea struck me a few weeks ago when I had dinner at a Chicago restaurant Jordan owns. I’d been stewing about a tiny piece of steak that cost approximately as much as the gross national product of Honduras when in he walked – my childhood sports hero; the greatest athlete of the 20th century; the man who inspired thousands of balding white guys to shave their heads. Read the rest of this entry »
Bozos rain on gay pride parade
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 2nd, 2008
At Chicago’s gay pride parade Sunday afternoon, I saw an outlandish collection of freaks and degenerates, out and proud for something inherently shameful. I’m talking about the protestors.
Near the end of the parade’s route on the corner of Pine Grove and Diversey, wooden riot-control barricades and a few disinterested-looking cops surrounded about 20 or 30 fundamentalist Christians. They yelled at the parade’s participants, often from a loudspeaker at the top of a rickety folding ladder. “You’re not really happy,” a frowning young man told a float of pink underwear-clad men who, from the passion of their dancing, were having a much better time than the demonstrators. Read the rest of this entry »
Very early offseason does not deter fans
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 30th, 2008
The rest of the NFL spent the past month worried about the playoffs, while Bears fans had an early offseason to think warm thoughts about the White Sox or to prepare for the Cubs’ next rebuilding century. Meanwhile Bears players began dealing with the stresses of the offseason, such as deciding how much to tip their various masseuses.
But diehards like me are eternally optimistic. As a superfan, I think only of the Bears as the Giants and Patriots prepare to duke it out Sunday evening in Glendale, Ariz. My faith in the Bears is so strong that I believe they will not lose another game for a whole seven months. This is the sort of blind loyalty the team can really count on when the going gets tough. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
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- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010
- Spoiled by spoilers, but “Lost” without them April 1, 2010