Posts Tagged College Life
Pledge football: an up-down experience
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 15th, 2009
Those of you lucky enough to join a fraternity this fall can look forward to the tradition of playing in a pledge football game, in the same sense that people who get gored by a bull can look forward to losing a lot of blood.
The problem wasn’t the game itself, which was a lot of fun. It was a nighttime flag football match in front of a few hundred spectators, and we even got to play our rival house, though none of us particularly hated the other team because we didn’t know anyone in their house.
No, the problem was the process leading up to the game, which required daily practices. In other words: exercise. Read the rest of this entry »
I don’t have the energy to write a headline
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 8th, 2009
We have to stop this menace, and we have to stop it now. I’m talking about that new 5-Hour Energy commercial, the one featuring a shaggy-haired college kid in a sideways baseball cap who holds a skateboard while saying things like “tear it up” and “totally kickin’.”
Clearly the company doesn’t understand modern collegians. Where’s the kid’s Nirvana cassette tape or pog collection? But here we have a company that sells energy drinks, a product purchased by every college student I’ve ever known, that is completely out of touch with the market. Read the rest of this entry »
Athletes as students: major problems
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 24th, 2009
It’s the middle of summer break, which means student athletes are preparing for the upcoming season with 12 hours of grueling math drills a day.
Actually, they spend their summers training on the field, preparing to do the serious academic work of catching a football. This seems removed from the mission of the University, which consists of providing a top-tier education to Illinoisans whose parents gave money to Rod Blagojevich. Read the rest of this entry »
Camp career counseling for career camp counselors
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 17th, 2009
Summer employment is a great chance for college students to get real world experience in their areas of study. For example, if you’re studying to be a teacher, you can get a job as a camp counselor. And if you’re studying to be a biochemist, you can get a job as a camp counselor.
That’s because companies don’t trust you to do work that, if handled improperly, could cost them hundreds of dollars. It’s much better to just leave you responsible for the lives of a dozen eight-year-olds. Read the rest of this entry »
Losing weight, one pizza at a time
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 10th, 2009
Because I gained approximately 4,000 pounds in college, I’ve begun my post-graduation diet with the ultimate goal that, through sheer force of will, I might one day give all my money to the Weight Watchers corporation.
I have the extra bulk because I spent my time in Champaign on the standard college diet of three square meals a day, each of them pizza.
I’m just kidding. The standard college diet is four pizzas. But my point is, there’s definitely a culture on campus that encourages you to eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Read the rest of this entry »
Caps and groans
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 27th, 2009
I worked my butt off all three years of law school, so naturally I had to dress like a mental patient to graduate.
Silly clothing is a long-standing tradition of higher education. Two weeks ago my classmates and I crossed the stage in blue robes with dark blue arm patches, blue mortarboards, and a purple hood with blue and orange stripes. The outfit symbolized that I had earned my Juris Doctor at a top-25 law school and therefore had dignity.
In academia, the more honors you accumulate the dumber you have to look at graduation. Students get caps and gowns; professors on stage get black robes with golden cords and some even wear black puffy caps. Once President Obama starts racking up honorary degrees, he’ll have to give commencement speeches dressed like Flavor Flav. Read the rest of this entry »
Learning, and other horrors of grad school
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 28th, 2009
As a law student, undergrads are always asking me questions. “Why do you think I care that you’re a law student?” is a typical one.
The truth is we graduate-level students have a lot of wisdom, as measured in ponytails. And there’s nothing we know better than why you shouldn’t become a grad student yourself. Read the rest of this entry »
The Unofficial SCAM guide to hookups
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 5th, 2009
Tomorrow is Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day, the magical time of year when all students, regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, singing ability, etc., accidentally step in vomit.
This is because the entire campus spends the day drinking, often setting alarms for 6 a.m. to get a head start. It’s absurd. The only real reason to be consuming alcohol at 6 a.m. is because you haven’t stopped from the previous night.And with all that drinking comes hookups, so you’ll need me, the Sex Column Answer Man, to guide you through it and also to watch any amateur videos you shoot.
Question: Should I aim for the drunkest girls?
Answer: Absolutely not.
Q: You’re saying it’d be unethical to take advantage?
A: I’m saying it’d be devastating to get rejected by someone with a BAC of 0.20. Read the rest of this entry »
Helping Obama pass his agenda, that doobie
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 12th, 2009
The legislative cocktail hours are a good start, but if President Obama really wants to win over congressmen, he’ll host White House pot parties.
At least this is the impression I get from “The Official High Times Pot Smoker’s Handbook,” a guide from America’s premier marijuana-themed magazine/emergency rolling paper. Chronicle Books sent it for free to Daily Illini features editor Jim Vorel in the hopes he’d publish a review but, in pursuit of journalistic excellence, I stole it off his desk. Read the rest of this entry »
My Wiinter Break
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 16th, 2009
Do you have any idea of all the fascinating and influential world events that happened over winter break, the things historians will be talking about millennia from now? Me neither, because I got a Nintendo Wii.
Everybody starts break with the greatest of aspirations. “I’m going to apply for summer jobs,” you tell yourself, “and clean my room and read all those books I’ve purchased and lose 75 pounds and write my memoirs and make enough money shoveling snow to buy myself a seat in the U.S. Senate.” (Roland Burris did 475,000 driveways.) Read the rest of this entry »
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