Posts Tagged College
Caps and groans
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 27th, 2009
I worked my butt off all three years of law school, so naturally I had to dress like a mental patient to graduate.
Silly clothing is a long-standing tradition of higher education. Two weeks ago my classmates and I crossed the stage in blue robes with dark blue arm patches, blue mortarboards, and a purple hood with blue and orange stripes. The outfit symbolized that I had earned my Juris Doctor at a top-25 law school and therefore had dignity.
In academia, the more honors you accumulate the dumber you have to look at graduation. Students get caps and gowns; professors on stage get black robes with golden cords and some even wear black puffy caps. Once President Obama starts racking up honorary degrees, he’ll have to give commencement speeches dressed like Flavor Flav. Read the rest of this entry »
Learning, and other horrors of grad school
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 28th, 2009
As a law student, undergrads are always asking me questions. “Why do you think I care that you’re a law student?” is a typical one.
The truth is we graduate-level students have a lot of wisdom, as measured in ponytails. And there’s nothing we know better than why you shouldn’t become a grad student yourself. Read the rest of this entry »
Lawyers have ethics? They bet they do
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 12th, 2009
“Legal ethics” is not an oxymoron, and if anyone feels differently, I will file a frivolous lawsuit against you.
I learned about legal ethics to prepare for last Saturday’s Multistate Professional Responsibility Examination, a standardized test that most states require lawyers to pass. I had to study hard, because most of the questions look like this:
Lawyer, a lawyer in State, a state, represents Client, his client. While in court Lawyer distracts Judge, a judge, such that Judge turns and snags his robe on Doorknob, a doorknob, exposing Judge’s buttocks. Client subsequently laughs so hard he dies of an aneurysm. Is Lawyer subject to sanctions?
A. Yes, unless Client filled out Form 47F (Buttocks-Related Aneurysm Waiver).
B. Yes, but not if everyone stays cool and just keeps their mouths shut.
C. No, if it is the Feast of St. Stephen.
D. No, because the Buttocks-Related Aneurysm Waiver is actually Form 47G. Read the rest of this entry »
The Unofficial SCAM guide to hookups
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 5th, 2009
Tomorrow is Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day, the magical time of year when all students, regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, singing ability, etc., accidentally step in vomit.
This is because the entire campus spends the day drinking, often setting alarms for 6 a.m. to get a head start. It’s absurd. The only real reason to be consuming alcohol at 6 a.m. is because you haven’t stopped from the previous night.And with all that drinking comes hookups, so you’ll need me, the Sex Column Answer Man, to guide you through it and also to watch any amateur videos you shoot.
Question: Should I aim for the drunkest girls?
Answer: Absolutely not.
Q: You’re saying it’d be unethical to take advantage?
A: I’m saying it’d be devastating to get rejected by someone with a BAC of 0.20. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- A really, really large SCAM March 2, 2010
- You’re Ghana love the Snow Leopard February 18, 2010
- Seeing how Chicago democracy Sootts me February 2, 2010
- Walking down the aisle… at Bed Bath & Beyond January 19, 2010
- Rich like Mario January 5, 2010