Posts Tagged College
Don’t pick me, Pat
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 31st, 2009
The University of Illinois Board of Trustees still has five vacancies for Governor Pat Quinn to fill, and I would totally want the position, if only it paid anything.
See, trustees work on a volunteer basis. This is not a good way to get talented people to do things. It’s a position with no pay, regular travel to Urbana, Illinois, and no ability to leverage your clout, what with the Chicago Tribune’s annoying scrutiny. It makes more sense to try and find a job in law. Read the rest of this entry »
Pledge football: an up-down experience
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 15th, 2009
Those of you lucky enough to join a fraternity this fall can look forward to the tradition of playing in a pledge football game, in the same sense that people who get gored by a bull can look forward to losing a lot of blood.
The problem wasn’t the game itself, which was a lot of fun. It was a nighttime flag football match in front of a few hundred spectators, and we even got to play our rival house, though none of us particularly hated the other team because we didn’t know anyone in their house.
No, the problem was the process leading up to the game, which required daily practices. In other words: exercise. Read the rest of this entry »
I don’t have the energy to write a headline
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 8th, 2009
We have to stop this menace, and we have to stop it now. I’m talking about that new 5-Hour Energy commercial, the one featuring a shaggy-haired college kid in a sideways baseball cap who holds a skateboard while saying things like “tear it up” and “totally kickin’.”
Clearly the company doesn’t understand modern collegians. Where’s the kid’s Nirvana cassette tape or pog collection? But here we have a company that sells energy drinks, a product purchased by every college student I’ve ever known, that is completely out of touch with the market. Read the rest of this entry »
Athletes as students: major problems
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 24th, 2009
It’s the middle of summer break, which means student athletes are preparing for the upcoming season with 12 hours of grueling math drills a day.
Actually, they spend their summers training on the field, preparing to do the serious academic work of catching a football. This seems removed from the mission of the University, which consists of providing a top-tier education to Illinoisans whose parents gave money to Rod Blagojevich. Read the rest of this entry »
Camp career counseling for career camp counselors
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 17th, 2009
Summer employment is a great chance for college students to get real world experience in their areas of study. For example, if you’re studying to be a teacher, you can get a job as a camp counselor. And if you’re studying to be a biochemist, you can get a job as a camp counselor.
That’s because companies don’t trust you to do work that, if handled improperly, could cost them hundreds of dollars. It’s much better to just leave you responsible for the lives of a dozen eight-year-olds. Read the rest of this entry »
Losing weight, one pizza at a time
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 10th, 2009
Because I gained approximately 4,000 pounds in college, I’ve begun my post-graduation diet with the ultimate goal that, through sheer force of will, I might one day give all my money to the Weight Watchers corporation.
I have the extra bulk because I spent my time in Champaign on the standard college diet of three square meals a day, each of them pizza.
I’m just kidding. The standard college diet is four pizzas. But my point is, there’s definitely a culture on campus that encourages you to eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Read the rest of this entry »
Admissions forecast: partly clouty
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 3rd, 2009
The Chicago Tribune reported Friday that hundreds of unqualified students are admitted to the University every year because of a secret political “clout list.” In other words, for the first time, we have some clue how admissions decisions are made.
This is good. High school students now know that if they work hard and stay focused, they can make enough money to pay their state reps to blackmail the University into admission letters.
When I was in high school (1845-1849) I was told it took good grades and top tier test scores to get into college. By the end of junior year I had straight A’s and a near-perfect ACT. So naturally, when I applied to Champaign the next fall, I was rejected. Read the rest of this entry »
