Posts Tagged Corruption
Act now and we’ll throw in Decatur!
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 16th, 2009
I hope your finances are in order because if you don’t act right now, you’ll miss your chance to purchase historic Illinois.
Think about what you’d be getting: the place where Abraham Lincoln practiced law; the state from which Abraham Lincoln was elected President; the land where Abraham Lincoln is buried; the home of the ’85 Bears. Illinois was the state with the can-do spirit to take a skinny black guy with a Muslim name and, in just four short years, get him to move 700 miles away. Read the rest of this entry »
Blame, and other Games for Chicago 2016
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 5th, 2009
We’ve had a few days to digest the International Olympic Committee’s rejection of Chicago as host of the 2016 Summer Games, so it’s time to calmly and maturely reflect on whom to blame.
One option is President Obama, who gave a speech as part of Chicago’s final presentation. Obama failed to win over enough IOC members, even though Mayor Daley specifically asked him to. Daley is also potentially at fault, for not leading Chicago to become the sort of dynamic and corrupt metropolis the IOC was looking for, namely: one that was located in South America. Read the rest of this entry »
At Wrigley, Blago just another loser
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 21st, 2009
Rod Blagojevich is no stranger to losing causes. He was removed from the Illinois governor’s office. He wanted President Obama to name him Secretary of Health and Human Services. He’s a Cubs fan.
I learned the last one Thursday afternoon, when Blagojevich sat in the row behind me at Wrigley Field. He was at the game instead of promoting his book, “The Governor,” which had only been in stores nine days and was in direct competition with Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol,” another government-themed work of fiction. Read the rest of this entry »
Don’t pick me, Pat
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 31st, 2009
The University of Illinois Board of Trustees still has five vacancies for Governor Pat Quinn to fill, and I would totally want the position, if only it paid anything.
See, trustees work on a volunteer basis. This is not a good way to get talented people to do things. It’s a position with no pay, regular travel to Urbana, Illinois, and no ability to leverage your clout, what with the Chicago Tribune’s annoying scrutiny. It makes more sense to try and find a job in law. Read the rest of this entry »
Admissions forecast: partly clouty
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 3rd, 2009
The Chicago Tribune reported Friday that hundreds of unqualified students are admitted to the University every year because of a secret political “clout list.” In other words, for the first time, we have some clue how admissions decisions are made.
This is good. High school students now know that if they work hard and stay focused, they can make enough money to pay their state reps to blackmail the University into admission letters.
When I was in high school (1845-1849) I was told it took good grades and top tier test scores to get into college. By the end of junior year I had straight A’s and a near-perfect ACT. So naturally, when I applied to Champaign the next fall, I was rejected. Read the rest of this entry »
A closed letter to Roland Burris
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 26th, 2009
Dear Senator Burris,
My name is Scott Green and I’m here to help. I’m an expert on thriving despite not doing anything useful for the length of a senate term, what with being a college student for six years.
Although I’m writing this in a newspaper, it’s not an “open letter.” (Too much of the advice is illegal.) It’s a closed letter, for your eyes only. Everyone else: Why not try today’s crossword? The theme is “ambidextrous fast food mascots.”
Just you and me, Senator? Good. Your biggest problem, as far as I can tell, is that you’re accused of offering bribes to Rod Blagojevich’s people to get appointed to the senate. The good news is that you already know they take bribes, so you can pay them to lie about it. Read the rest of this entry »
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