Posts Tagged History
An extremely historic night at Grant Park
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 13th, 2008
I was at Grant Park last Tuesday for Barack Obama’s election night party. It was surreal – the speech, the election, the strangers bunched so tight against me that we may be married. If I had to use a single word, that word would be “historic,” because you can put “historic” before any noun and make it sound more important than it is, such as “historic bird vomit.”
Beginning at the historic hour of 3:30 p.m., 30,000 lucky ticket holders and our plus-ones filed in two-by-two, cameras around their necks and buttons on their lapels. It was a lot like Noah’s ark, if instead of animals God commanded Noah to save political science geeks. Another field at the park held the overflow crowd, tens of thousands more people who couldn’t get tickets but wanted to one day tell their grandchildren they paid $20 for a Barack Obama T-shirt at one of several official merchandise stands. Read the rest of this entry »
How America picks its slacker-in-chief
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 23rd, 2008
Though I was always told I could be anything when I grew up, the Presidency seemed outside the realm of possibilities. For one thing, I have the personal warmth of a brown recluse spider. Also, nobody believes in me. Zero political connections. Bad hair.
One thing that isn’t holding me back is my college GPA. I’d been under the misconception that most Presidents had scholastic experiences like those of Bill Clinton, a Rhodes Scholar who finished at the top of his Yale Law School class and seduced Dean Wormer’s wife when his fraternity went on double secret probation. Surely the anomaly was George W. Bush, who carried a C average as an undergrad at Yale and occasionally goes on diplomatic missions to Nigeria to check on his promised share of King Mfakefake’s inheritance. Read the rest of this entry »
My ‘Harding’ miniseries has what HBO’s ‘John Adams’ lacked: nudity
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 24th, 2008
Sometimes it is perfectly appropriate to have an opinion on something you have never experienced. For example, I have an opinion on abortion, even though I have never personally been aborted.
This is the case with “John Adams,” the HBO miniseries that aired its final episode Sunday night. I never watched it, but I’ve heard it discussed ad nauseam, to the extent that I feel safe saying it was a pretty good show, full of glorified battle, pointed oratory, revolutionary idealism and French prostitutes. Sort of like our student senate. Read the rest of this entry »
The primary problem with Illinois is its voters
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 31st, 2008
I mean no disrespect to Illinois voters when I say that they are idiots. Illinois is the state whose voters, when Abraham Lincoln ran for the senate in 1858, elected the other guy. (This was a mistake because Lincoln was obviously taller.) So it is disturbing that the Illinois presidential primaries were moved from March 16 in 2004 to Feb. 5 this year, early enough in the race that our votes will have an impact.
My first concern is Illinois voters’ pattern of choosing candidates with less-than-pristine morals, by which I mean “total scumbags.” Consider the lack of success we’ve had with gubernatorial elections: Since 1960 three Illinois governors, Otto Kerner, Daniel Walker and George Ryan, have served prison terms. The leading cause of death for Illinois governors is now prison riot. If he were on the ballot, Illinois voters would probably elect the Hamburglar. Read the rest of this entry »
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