Posts Tagged Holidays

Holy Moses, it’s still the story of Passover

Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 29th, 2010

To commemorate the first Passover seder tonight, please enjoy this classic column originally published April 17, 2008. If you are attending a seder, feel free to read it out loud, particularly if you do not wish to be invited back next year.

Of all the Jewish holidays, Passover is definitely the only one that begins this Saturday night. It’s the Jewish equivalent of Easter, except you have to replace “Jesus” with “Moses,” “resurrected” with “not resurrected” and “Cadbury Creme Eggs” with “guilt.” Passover commemorates the Jewish people’s escape from slavery in Egypt, followed by 40 years of wandering the desert that ended only when they found the place that is today their homeland: Miami Beach.

Actually, they wound up in Israel, referred to biblically as “The Land of Milk and Honey,” because nobody would ever visit if it were called “The Land of Ethnic Tension and Sand.” Read the rest of this entry »

Classic Scott, Holidays, Religion

No Comments

Merry Jewish Christmas

Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 15th, 2009

I’m tired of all this holiday spirit. Not the festive atmosphere of peace and goodwill to all who aren’t attempting to buy the same Twilight merchandise as you. The spirit of the word “holiday,” as in people telling each other “Happy Holidays,” when they’re really wishing is Merry Christmas plus a New Year’s hangover that’s not too debilitating.

I’m not Christian, but you can wish me a merry December 25 anyway. Christmas is a wonderful day for people like me. Think about it: Chinese food is plentiful; movie theaters are empty; riverboat casinos stay open. I get to share with family a weekday that doesn’t count as vacation time, and we don’t even have to go to church. Read the rest of this entry »

Holidays, Religion

2 Comments

The tale of the Black Friday pilgrims

Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 30th, 2009

This classic Scott Green column was originally published November 29, 2007. Scott returns with an all-new column Monday, December 7.

Around harvest season in 1621, a year in which the funny hat supply ran devastatingly low, the Pilgrims hosted a feast with whichever of the local Indians they had not yet killed. And when it came time for the main course they ate as quickly as possible, so as to be first in line at Ye Olde Walle-Marte to buy discount flat-panel HDTVs. It was the first post-Thanksgiving sale.

Even the men went shopping that year, as there were no football games on television. This was largely because the NFL had not yet been invented, though the Plymouth Rock-Gazette was already speculating about when Brett Favre would retire. Read the rest of this entry »

Classic Scott, Holidays

2 Comments

Staying razor-sharp on Halloween

Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 26th, 2009

This classic Scott Green column was originally published October 31, 2007. Scott returns from vacation with an all-new column Monday, November 2.

It’s Halloween again, the time of year American children go trick-or-treating only to have their candy taken away because there might be a razor blade in there.

This was the warning when I was little, anyway. I also used to be told not to eat fruit, in case it was poisoned. This was unnecessary advice to give a nine-year-old. I was more likely to eat those religious pamphlets. Read the rest of this entry »

Classic Scott, Holidays

2 Comments