Posts Tagged Illinois
Seeing how Chicago democracy Sootts me
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 2nd, 2010
Today I cast my first ballot as a Chicago voter, and I’m nervous because I don’t think the city wants me. The first proof I had was my registration card, made out to one “Soott Green.”
My guess is that when I get to my polling place, I’ll be handed a ballot with “suggested” candidates already helpfully selected. If I do well enough with that I’ll advance to the bonus round, where I’ll have the chance to vote for the right judges for fun prizes like not getting my electricity shut off.
Act now and we’ll throw in Decatur!
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 16th, 2009
I hope your finances are in order because if you don’t act right now, you’ll miss your chance to purchase historic Illinois.
Think about what you’d be getting: the place where Abraham Lincoln practiced law; the state from which Abraham Lincoln was elected President; the land where Abraham Lincoln is buried; the home of the ’85 Bears. Illinois was the state with the can-do spirit to take a skinny black guy with a Muslim name and, in just four short years, get him to move 700 miles away. Read the rest of this entry »
Blame, and other Games for Chicago 2016
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 5th, 2009
We’ve had a few days to digest the International Olympic Committee’s rejection of Chicago as host of the 2016 Summer Games, so it’s time to calmly and maturely reflect on whom to blame.
One option is President Obama, who gave a speech as part of Chicago’s final presentation. Obama failed to win over enough IOC members, even though Mayor Daley specifically asked him to. Daley is also potentially at fault, for not leading Chicago to become the sort of dynamic and corrupt metropolis the IOC was looking for, namely: one that was located in South America. Read the rest of this entry »
At Wrigley, Blago just another loser
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 21st, 2009
Rod Blagojevich is no stranger to losing causes. He was removed from the Illinois governor’s office. He wanted President Obama to name him Secretary of Health and Human Services. He’s a Cubs fan.
I learned the last one Thursday afternoon, when Blagojevich sat in the row behind me at Wrigley Field. He was at the game instead of promoting his book, “The Governor,” which had only been in stores nine days and was in direct competition with Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol,” another government-themed work of fiction. Read the rest of this entry »
Don’t pick me, Pat
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 31st, 2009
The University of Illinois Board of Trustees still has five vacancies for Governor Pat Quinn to fill, and I would totally want the position, if only it paid anything.
See, trustees work on a volunteer basis. This is not a good way to get talented people to do things. It’s a position with no pay, regular travel to Urbana, Illinois, and no ability to leverage your clout, what with the Chicago Tribune’s annoying scrutiny. It makes more sense to try and find a job in law. Read the rest of this entry »
Admissions forecast: partly clouty
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 3rd, 2009
The Chicago Tribune reported Friday that hundreds of unqualified students are admitted to the University every year because of a secret political “clout list.” In other words, for the first time, we have some clue how admissions decisions are made.
This is good. High school students now know that if they work hard and stay focused, they can make enough money to pay their state reps to blackmail the University into admission letters.
When I was in high school (1845-1849) I was told it took good grades and top tier test scores to get into college. By the end of junior year I had straight A’s and a near-perfect ACT. So naturally, when I applied to Champaign the next fall, I was rejected. Read the rest of this entry »
A closed letter to Roland Burris
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 26th, 2009
Dear Senator Burris,
My name is Scott Green and I’m here to help. I’m an expert on thriving despite not doing anything useful for the length of a senate term, what with being a college student for six years.
Although I’m writing this in a newspaper, it’s not an “open letter.” (Too much of the advice is illegal.) It’s a closed letter, for your eyes only. Everyone else: Why not try today’s crossword? The theme is “ambidextrous fast food mascots.”
Just you and me, Senator? Good. Your biggest problem, as far as I can tell, is that you’re accused of offering bribes to Rod Blagojevich’s people to get appointed to the senate. The good news is that you already know they take bribes, so you can pay them to lie about it. Read the rest of this entry »
This Chief Illiniwek column is extremely controversial
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 20th, 2008
This whole “Chief Illiniwek returns to campus” thing really got me upset. I mean, my column about Obama last week got zero responses on the DI website, whereas anything about the Chief has people firing half-baked comment-board opinions like so many monkeys flinging poop.
People have very strong opinions about this Illiniwek fellow, and if stoking that fire is the way to make people read what I write, fine by me. This tactic served me well in the past, like in last year’s column, “Gay Nazi abortionists should be allowed to marry, according to the Koran.” Read the rest of this entry »
Somehow, the ‘big one’ just doesn’t feel right
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 21st, 2008
If you’re reading this, congratulations! You survived the lamest earthquake I’ve ever heard of.
I don’t mean to disparage the hardy citizens who lived through Friday morning’s tremors, but as far as earthquakes go, this was not exactly the one you’ll tell your grandchildren about. It might be the one you tell your parents about, when you point out that you have endured a lot this year and could use some extra cash. I would do this over the phone, though, since it’s hard to keep a straight face talking about a harrowing ordeal that resulted in zero casualties, even if some woman did get trapped by her porch. Read the rest of this entry »
The primary problem with Illinois is its voters
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 31st, 2008
I mean no disrespect to Illinois voters when I say that they are idiots. Illinois is the state whose voters, when Abraham Lincoln ran for the senate in 1858, elected the other guy. (This was a mistake because Lincoln was obviously taller.) So it is disturbing that the Illinois presidential primaries were moved from March 16 in 2004 to Feb. 5 this year, early enough in the race that our votes will have an impact.
My first concern is Illinois voters’ pattern of choosing candidates with less-than-pristine morals, by which I mean “total scumbags.” Consider the lack of success we’ve had with gubernatorial elections: Since 1960 three Illinois governors, Otto Kerner, Daniel Walker and George Ryan, have served prison terms. The leading cause of death for Illinois governors is now prison riot. If he were on the ballot, Illinois voters would probably elect the Hamburglar. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010
- Spoiled by spoilers, but “Lost” without them April 1, 2010