Posts Tagged Michelle
Showering with 40 or 50 women
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 8th, 2010
Any couple in need of housewares should definitely be the guests of honor at several dozen bridal showers. My fiancée, Michelle, and I recently had this pleasure, and will never need to buy another melon baller.
Showers are women-intensive get-togethers that occur during important conference basketball games. The idea is, guests bring gifts to commemorate an upcoming event at which they will bring other gifts. This has caught on in other areas, though with mixed success. At baby showers, for example, expectant mothers receive tiny clothing they could never wear. Read the rest of this entry »
Walking down the aisle… at Bed Bath & Beyond
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 19th, 2010
It takes a lot of work to get married: selecting a venue; whittling the guest list; designing the invitations; receiving gifts.
I never thought getting presents would be so difficult. I assumed I’d just send my fiancée, Michelle, to a couple of showers and she’d come home with gifts we could enjoy as a couple, like season tickets. Read the rest of this entry »
WedTV
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 14th, 2009
I was deeply in love with my girlfriend and couldn’t see spending my life with anyone else, so it was time to prove it, by listening for hours about which shade of white our wedding tablecloths should be.
I know more about wedding details than I want, but less than I should. I’m getting married next June to my fiancée, Michelle, even though she’s an Aquarius. And for a lot of stuff Michelle wants my opinion, provided it’s the exact same as hers. Read the rest of this entry »
How I engaged my favorite reader
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 7th, 2009
Graduating college columnists like to write about what the school paper meant to them, how much they love their readers, and a bunch of other nonsense. With the readers, for example, my main interaction has been the DailyIllini.com comment boards, where people post threads titled “You can’t be serious” after I suggest the president host pot parties.
Instead I’m writing a follow-up to my Feb. 14, 2008 column. That one was about how I’ve never been good at dealing with females I’m attracted to, dating back to when I was 13 and could barely ask my crush, Michelle Zimbler, to dance with me at my own Bar Mitzvah.
I’d never told Michelle I liked her. In the column I wrote: “I needed to keep her totally convinced I did not have a crush on her, because the only good that could have come from her finding out would have been a long-term relationship, marriage, a brood of healthy children, and the founding of a charitable organization to feed starving third-world children. Luckily, I dodged that bullet.”
Things have changed. Read the rest of this entry »
Single guys, enjoy manly music while you can
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 19th, 2009
Men, there’s an easy way to find out what kind of music you like: get a girlfriend.
Guys in relationships know what I’m talking about. You meet this wonderful, beautiful woman; you lose yourself in passion; and within months, you have three John Legend albums on your iPod.
I called a number of guys I know who are dating, engaged, married, married to the sea, etc. They all agreed this happened to them, though they couldn’t remember what kind of music they used to like. Also on most of the calls I heard a female voice in the background providing answers.
Too many single guys think dating is just about the perks, such as getting their mothers to stop nagging them about not having a girlfriend. But there are parts nobody warns you about, like music brainwashing, 90-minute phone calls, and having to put the toilet seat down.
I remember when my favorite song was “Wake Up Call” by Maroon Five, a tender love ballad that expresses the timeless romantic message of “I shot my girlfriend’s secret lover and need to hide the body.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with this song, and there is nothing wrong with playing it for my own girlfriend, Michelle, just to make sure she gets the message. Read the rest of this entry »
My Wiinter Break
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 16th, 2009
Do you have any idea of all the fascinating and influential world events that happened over winter break, the things historians will be talking about millennia from now? Me neither, because I got a Nintendo Wii.
Everybody starts break with the greatest of aspirations. “I’m going to apply for summer jobs,” you tell yourself, “and clean my room and read all those books I’ve purchased and lose 75 pounds and write my memoirs and make enough money shoveling snow to buy myself a seat in the U.S. Senate.” (Roland Burris did 475,000 driveways.) Read the rest of this entry »
Webcam puppies good enough to eat
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 4th, 2008
After a dozen years of searching, I found the greatest thing on the Internet. Yes, it’s a webcam. No, it doesn’t involve porn.
Here’s the premise: Six Shiba Inu puppies lounge around in a soft foam bed, with no visible means of financial support. Granted, this is the same exact plot as “Friends,” but the puppies are much less formulaic. Read the rest of this entry »
An extremely historic night at Grant Park
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 13th, 2008
I was at Grant Park last Tuesday for Barack Obama’s election night party. It was surreal – the speech, the election, the strangers bunched so tight against me that we may be married. If I had to use a single word, that word would be “historic,” because you can put “historic” before any noun and make it sound more important than it is, such as “historic bird vomit.”
Beginning at the historic hour of 3:30 p.m., 30,000 lucky ticket holders and our plus-ones filed in two-by-two, cameras around their necks and buttons on their lapels. It was a lot like Noah’s ark, if instead of animals God commanded Noah to save political science geeks. Another field at the park held the overflow crowd, tens of thousands more people who couldn’t get tickets but wanted to one day tell their grandchildren they paid $20 for a Barack Obama T-shirt at one of several official merchandise stands. Read the rest of this entry »
My manhood is burning
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 18th, 2008
The manliest thing a guy can have is confidence, and I summoned all mine in a very manly way recently when I bought a vanilla and lime-scented candle.
This was the first aromatic candle purchase of my life. I started with no idea which one I wanted to buy, but I knew why I wanted it: I had to convince a girl that I am the sort of sensitive, caring guy who always has scented candles on hand. Read the rest of this entry »
Happy Valentine’s Day! Have this dead squirrel
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 14th, 2008
If the dating scene is a meat market, I feel like a box of fish sticks. My head knows girls say they want funny guys, but my heart knows they confuse “funny” with “muscular” and “guys” with “guys who are not me.” It would be easier if I could figure out what girls are thinking, but I have a genetic mutation that prevents this – namely, a Y chromosome.
Last December I went on a first date with a girl named Veronica. (I am using a pseudonym; this is not to protect her identity but because I forgot the cardinal rule of both journalism and dating: Always get the other person’s name.) Read the rest of this entry »
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- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010