Posts Tagged Obama
You’re Ghana love the Snow Leopard
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 18th, 2010
Sure the Winter Olympics have been beset by problems like the torch lighting snafu and the murderous luge track and that Vancouver’s been 74 and sunny. But the viewing audience has largely overlooked these problems, because we’ve overlooked the entire Olympics.
Granted, ratings are high. But it’s not to watch the majesty of competition. It’s because, with a several-hour tape delay and selective editing, viewers know they’ll see all the significant wipeouts of the day in real-time and several slow-motion replays. Read the rest of this entry »
Ill Bill
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 9th, 2009
I think it’s wonderful the House has passed health care reform legislation. Not on the merits of the bill. It’s not like the thing will become an actual law during my lifetime. What I’m excited about is that with all the yelling and name-calling and baseless accusations, congressmen in both houses haven’t had time to actually legislate, which means no official recognition of Oprah Winfrey’s birthday or $4.5 billion Roland Burris Institute For Political Ethics.
It takes forever for Congress to enact any kind of substantial change. You can thank our founding fathers for this. The system by which a bill becomes a law may seem silly and arbitrary, but bear in mind that the Constitution was written with great deliberation by learned men who thought it’d be hilarious to make the rules silly and arbitrary. Read the rest of this entry »
For athletes, a Nobel example of peace
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 12th, 2009
President Obama does not celebrate victory like a normal person. A normal person, finding out he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, would post it on Facebook, then run around firing his gun into the air.
But not Obama, the kind of guy who celebrates by adding an extra teaspoon of sweetener to his Mueslix. Nothing crazy at all, even though the Nobel committee caught him completely by surprise. I mean, his most daunting presidential peace-making mission consisted of getting a black professor and a white cop to not gouge each other’s eyeballs on national television. The effort he expended on this was walking to his lawn and drinking beer. Read the rest of this entry »
Obama babies: fact or horrible fact?
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 24th, 2009
I’m more terrified of Barack Obama than ever, what with the death panels and his connections to domestic terrorism and the army of babies he’s hiding away.
Don’t be so shocked. Back in November, “Obama Babies” were big news. The theory was, Obama supporters were so thrilled about his victory, they jumped into bed and had sex, which, as conservatives know, is only for procreation.
Not that it’s hard to get a female Democrat in bed. You earn her trust by telling her how liberated she is and that she doesn’t need a man for anything, then move for the kill with a teddy bear and flowers. Read the rest of this entry »
Caps and groans
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 27th, 2009
I worked my butt off all three years of law school, so naturally I had to dress like a mental patient to graduate.
Silly clothing is a long-standing tradition of higher education. Two weeks ago my classmates and I crossed the stage in blue robes with dark blue arm patches, blue mortarboards, and a purple hood with blue and orange stripes. The outfit symbolized that I had earned my Juris Doctor at a top-25 law school and therefore had dignity.
In academia, the more honors you accumulate the dumber you have to look at graduation. Students get caps and gowns; professors on stage get black robes with golden cords and some even wear black puffy caps. Once President Obama starts racking up honorary degrees, he’ll have to give commencement speeches dressed like Flavor Flav. Read the rest of this entry »
Michael Jordan will save our economy
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 19th, 2009
I have a plan for fixing the economy that involves Michael Jordan, so Michael, please contact me at your earliest convenience.
The idea struck me a few weeks ago when I had dinner at a Chicago restaurant Jordan owns. I’d been stewing about a tiny piece of steak that cost approximately as much as the gross national product of Honduras when in he walked – my childhood sports hero; the greatest athlete of the 20th century; the man who inspired thousands of balding white guys to shave their heads. Read the rest of this entry »
Helping Obama pass his agenda, that doobie
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 12th, 2009
The legislative cocktail hours are a good start, but if President Obama really wants to win over congressmen, he’ll host White House pot parties.
At least this is the impression I get from “The Official High Times Pot Smoker’s Handbook,” a guide from America’s premier marijuana-themed magazine/emergency rolling paper. Chronicle Books sent it for free to Daily Illini features editor Jim Vorel in the hopes he’d publish a review but, in pursuit of journalistic excellence, I stole it off his desk. Read the rest of this entry »
Make your nerdiness work for you on “Jeopardy!”
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 22nd, 2009
Barack Obama is president! Have you gotten your magical unicorn that’s going to make everything all better? Not yet? Me neither, but I’m gonna name mine Davey.
In the meantime, your best chance to improve your financial situation might come next Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, when “Jeopardy!,” the quiz show that makes unnecessary punctuation fun!, conducts online contestant tryouts. Read the rest of this entry »
Webcam puppies good enough to eat
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 4th, 2008
After a dozen years of searching, I found the greatest thing on the Internet. Yes, it’s a webcam. No, it doesn’t involve porn.
Here’s the premise: Six Shiba Inu puppies lounge around in a soft foam bed, with no visible means of financial support. Granted, this is the same exact plot as “Friends,” but the puppies are much less formulaic. Read the rest of this entry »
An extremely historic night at Grant Park
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 13th, 2008
I was at Grant Park last Tuesday for Barack Obama’s election night party. It was surreal – the speech, the election, the strangers bunched so tight against me that we may be married. If I had to use a single word, that word would be “historic,” because you can put “historic” before any noun and make it sound more important than it is, such as “historic bird vomit.”
Beginning at the historic hour of 3:30 p.m., 30,000 lucky ticket holders and our plus-ones filed in two-by-two, cameras around their necks and buttons on their lapels. It was a lot like Noah’s ark, if instead of animals God commanded Noah to save political science geeks. Another field at the park held the overflow crowd, tens of thousands more people who couldn’t get tickets but wanted to one day tell their grandchildren they paid $20 for a Barack Obama T-shirt at one of several official merchandise stands. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Shark weak August 5, 2010
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- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010