Posts Tagged Partisanship
Seeing how Chicago democracy Sootts me
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 2nd, 2010
Today I cast my first ballot as a Chicago voter, and I’m nervous because I don’t think the city wants me. The first proof I had was my registration card, made out to one “Soott Green.”
My guess is that when I get to my polling place, I’ll be handed a ballot with “suggested” candidates already helpfully selected. If I do well enough with that I’ll advance to the bonus round, where I’ll have the chance to vote for the right judges for fun prizes like not getting my electricity shut off.
Act now and we’ll throw in Decatur!
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 16th, 2009
I hope your finances are in order because if you don’t act right now, you’ll miss your chance to purchase historic Illinois.
Think about what you’d be getting: the place where Abraham Lincoln practiced law; the state from which Abraham Lincoln was elected President; the land where Abraham Lincoln is buried; the home of the ’85 Bears. Illinois was the state with the can-do spirit to take a skinny black guy with a Muslim name and, in just four short years, get him to move 700 miles away. Read the rest of this entry »
Ill Bill
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 9th, 2009
I think it’s wonderful the House has passed health care reform legislation. Not on the merits of the bill. It’s not like the thing will become an actual law during my lifetime. What I’m excited about is that with all the yelling and name-calling and baseless accusations, congressmen in both houses haven’t had time to actually legislate, which means no official recognition of Oprah Winfrey’s birthday or $4.5 billion Roland Burris Institute For Political Ethics.
It takes forever for Congress to enact any kind of substantial change. You can thank our founding fathers for this. The system by which a bill becomes a law may seem silly and arbitrary, but bear in mind that the Constitution was written with great deliberation by learned men who thought it’d be hilarious to make the rules silly and arbitrary. Read the rest of this entry »
Obama babies: fact or horrible fact?
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 24th, 2009
I’m more terrified of Barack Obama than ever, what with the death panels and his connections to domestic terrorism and the army of babies he’s hiding away.
Don’t be so shocked. Back in November, “Obama Babies” were big news. The theory was, Obama supporters were so thrilled about his victory, they jumped into bed and had sex, which, as conservatives know, is only for procreation.
Not that it’s hard to get a female Democrat in bed. You earn her trust by telling her how liberated she is and that she doesn’t need a man for anything, then move for the kill with a teddy bear and flowers. Read the rest of this entry »
Time for Dubya to build his legacy
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 6th, 2008
Now that the 2008 election is over, George W. Bush gets to do the cool things all lame duck presidents get to do, such as pardoning whoever he wants. Washington insiders expect him to pardon I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ ‘Moped’ Libby, who was involved in the Valerie Plame leak, and Darth Vader, who tried to quell the rebel uprising but is basically a good guy.
But Bush also gets to begin working on his legacy. This will be tough work. He’ll have to get up every day, sometimes as early as noon, and head to his basement. “Don’t come down here, I’m working on my legacy,” he will say, though to the layperson it will sound like he is just watching Dr. Phil and eating Fruity Pebbles. Read the rest of this entry »
Unclogging the politics of plumbing
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 30th, 2008
According to Politico.com, a major record studio is reportedly in talks right now to put out a country music album as early as inauguration day, starring – naturally – Joe the Plumber. The guy’s been in newspapers, on TV, and is supposedly mulling a run for Congress. It’s only a matter of time until he shows up in adult films (“Hi, I’m here to fix the plumbing in this girls-only dormitory”).
But I was disillusioned to learn Joe the Plumber isn’t a licensed plumber, and isn’t named Joe. His real name is Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, and because it is misspelled in the Ohio registry, he might not even be able to vote. How could any of us possibly trust his political insight after that? We can’t, which is why I instead called plumbers across the nation – licensed plumbers – to find out for whom I should vote. Read the rest of this entry »
Hey undecided voters… Surprise! It’s October
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 9th, 2008
As the presidential campaigns round third and head into the home stretch on a Hail Mary buzzer beater hat trick of sports metaphors, there’s one certainty: You will be stunned.
It’s the season when desperate campaigns or excitable media pull some stunt or release information they expect will shock voters into changing their minds. They’re called “October Surprises,” but they’re not the good kind of surprises like when you’re about to cut into your birthday cake and out jumps a scantily clad woman. They’re more like the bad kind of surprises where you don’t know about the scantily clad woman until after you cut the cake. Read the rest of this entry »
A floating question mark about the economy
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 25th, 2008
You may be worried about the economy, what with the bankruptcy last week of Lehman Brothers, the buyout of Merrill Lynch, the bailout of AIG by the federal government and the termination of McDonald’s $1 soft drink promotion. But there is absolutely nothing for the average American to worry about, provided he has diversified his assets and is a Canadian citizen.
“I know Americans are concerned about the adjustments that are taking place in our financial markets,” President Bush said last Monday, attempting to pacify the nation. Here is how you can tell he is lying through his teeth: There are 27 syllables in that sentence, and he did not botch a single one. Read the rest of this entry »
Two conventions, two deep comas
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 28th, 2008
It’s Barack Obama’s big night! Democratic National Convention organizers have moved the final evening of the week-long event from the Pepsi Center in downtown Denver to Invesco Field at Mile High, home of the Denver Broncos. It will be there where Obama will be named the party’s candidate, provided he can make a 50-yard field goal to defeat the Bengals. Otherwise the nomination goes to Adam Vinatieri. Rules are rules.
Actually Obama will just come out and give a speech about the future of America and how we all have to blah blah together for blah blah unity or whatever. Unfortunately this is what’s happened to political conventions, which, over 100 years ago, were really exciting. In 1880, for example, the Republicans took 30 ballots to nominate James A. Garfield, and that was only after a compromise wherein, to appease his detractors, he agreed to be assassinated the following September. Read the rest of this entry »
Hey, Fox News Channel! Come on, do your worst
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 9th, 2008
There’s a code of ethics in the news media which, as far as I can tell, serves no practical purpose. You’d sell a lot more papers if you could make up headlines like “McCain grows to colossal size; uses laser-vision to slash budget.” That’s why working at Fox News is such a plum job – they don’t worry about things like “journalistic ethics.”
Here’s what Fox did last week. After New York Times media reporter Jacques Steinberg wrote accurately about “ominous” ratings trends for Fox News, which is losing ground to CNN and MSNBC, anchors on the “Fox & Friends” morning show called Steinberg’s work a “hit piece.” They also referred to Steinberg and his editor, Steven Reddicliffe, as “attack dogs.” So far, the network was still within the bounds of standard journalistic practices – you see this stuff all the time from respected media, like NPR’s recent report, “Peggy Noonan: Stupid Tramp Or What?” Read the rest of this entry »
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