Posts Tagged Personal
Showering with 40 or 50 women
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 8th, 2010
Any couple in need of housewares should definitely be the guests of honor at several dozen bridal showers. My fiancée, Michelle, and I recently had this pleasure, and will never need to buy another melon baller.
Showers are women-intensive get-togethers that occur during important conference basketball games. The idea is, guests bring gifts to commemorate an upcoming event at which they will bring other gifts. This has caught on in other areas, though with mixed success. At baby showers, for example, expectant mothers receive tiny clothing they could never wear. Read the rest of this entry »
Spoiled by spoilers, but “Lost” without them
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 1st, 2010
Author’s note: Although this column is about the ending of “Lost,” it contains no spoilers. I have gone to great lengths to avoid revealing, for example, that the smoke monster is actually Keyser Soze. Also: Oz was Dorothy’s dream. Thank you.
I’m an American, which means I feel entitled to whatever I want, whenever I want it. It also means my diet consists primarily of cheese. This has led to a thriving pizza delivery industry.
What I’m trying to say is, I don’t like waiting. I’d rather know something ahead of time than be surprised later. This is why I love spoilers, and why the final season of “Lost” is giving me fits. Read the rest of this entry »
Stork droppings
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 26th, 2010
It’s normal for guy friends to exploit each other’s insecurities. For example, I’m self-conscious about getting older, which my friend Matt exploited by having a baby.
Technically, his wife Kelly had the baby. (She did the work, so I’m giving her the credit.) Matt did help out a little: he caught little Isabelle as she emerged and he cut the cord, which is the same role in childbirth as a father hamster. Read the rest of this entry »
Walking down the aisle… at Bed Bath & Beyond
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 19th, 2010
It takes a lot of work to get married: selecting a venue; whittling the guest list; designing the invitations; receiving gifts.
I never thought getting presents would be so difficult. I assumed I’d just send my fiancée, Michelle, to a couple of showers and she’d come home with gifts we could enjoy as a couple, like season tickets. Read the rest of this entry »
WedTV
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 14th, 2009
I was deeply in love with my girlfriend and couldn’t see spending my life with anyone else, so it was time to prove it, by listening for hours about which shade of white our wedding tablecloths should be.
I know more about wedding details than I want, but less than I should. I’m getting married next June to my fiancée, Michelle, even though she’s an Aquarius. And for a lot of stuff Michelle wants my opinion, provided it’s the exact same as hers. Read the rest of this entry »
Your manhood, as measured in stuffed animals
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 13th, 2009
Carnival games are an American tradition. There’s no feeling of accomplishment like spending $40 to prove to the operator you can outsmart him for a $7 prize.
I won a stuffed animal last week at Cedar Point, a giant theme park in Ohio famous for its regular appearances on the Travel Channel’s “Things That Exist Someplace.” The trip was a law school graduation present from my fiancée, Michelle, who knew the best way to celebrate my newfound maturity was a day of ice cream and roller coasters. Read the rest of this entry »
How I engaged my favorite reader
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 7th, 2009
Graduating college columnists like to write about what the school paper meant to them, how much they love their readers, and a bunch of other nonsense. With the readers, for example, my main interaction has been the DailyIllini.com comment boards, where people post threads titled “You can’t be serious” after I suggest the president host pot parties.
Instead I’m writing a follow-up to my Feb. 14, 2008 column. That one was about how I’ve never been good at dealing with females I’m attracted to, dating back to when I was 13 and could barely ask my crush, Michelle Zimbler, to dance with me at my own Bar Mitzvah.
I’d never told Michelle I liked her. In the column I wrote: “I needed to keep her totally convinced I did not have a crush on her, because the only good that could have come from her finding out would have been a long-term relationship, marriage, a brood of healthy children, and the founding of a charitable organization to feed starving third-world children. Luckily, I dodged that bullet.”
Things have changed. Read the rest of this entry »
Finding an apartment in Chicago GREAT, RUSTIC fun
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 2nd, 2009
I finally get why people become homeless. My search for a Chicago apartment has made a refrigerator box seem awfully inviting, provided it has central air and a view of the lake.
Finding a place in college was never this hard. When I was an undergrad I picked a real estate company, its sales staff showed me some properties, and I chose the one that smelled least like a train station restroom.
In Chicago this method doesn’t work, mostly because rent is so high I can’t afford the train station restroom itself. Instead I turned to Craigslist, the Web site that helps people find apartments and then stock them with prostitutes. Read the rest of this entry »
Single guys, enjoy manly music while you can
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 19th, 2009
Men, there’s an easy way to find out what kind of music you like: get a girlfriend.
Guys in relationships know what I’m talking about. You meet this wonderful, beautiful woman; you lose yourself in passion; and within months, you have three John Legend albums on your iPod.
I called a number of guys I know who are dating, engaged, married, married to the sea, etc. They all agreed this happened to them, though they couldn’t remember what kind of music they used to like. Also on most of the calls I heard a female voice in the background providing answers.
Too many single guys think dating is just about the perks, such as getting their mothers to stop nagging them about not having a girlfriend. But there are parts nobody warns you about, like music brainwashing, 90-minute phone calls, and having to put the toilet seat down.
I remember when my favorite song was “Wake Up Call” by Maroon Five, a tender love ballad that expresses the timeless romantic message of “I shot my girlfriend’s secret lover and need to hide the body.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with this song, and there is nothing wrong with playing it for my own girlfriend, Michelle, just to make sure she gets the message. Read the rest of this entry »
Make your nerdiness work for you on “Jeopardy!”
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 22nd, 2009
Barack Obama is president! Have you gotten your magical unicorn that’s going to make everything all better? Not yet? Me neither, but I’m gonna name mine Davey.
In the meantime, your best chance to improve your financial situation might come next Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, when “Jeopardy!,” the quiz show that makes unnecessary punctuation fun!, conducts online contestant tryouts. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Shark weak August 5, 2010
- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010