Posts Tagged Politics
Seeing how Chicago democracy Sootts me
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 2nd, 2010
Today I cast my first ballot as a Chicago voter, and I’m nervous because I don’t think the city wants me. The first proof I had was my registration card, made out to one “Soott Green.”
My guess is that when I get to my polling place, I’ll be handed a ballot with “suggested” candidates already helpfully selected. If I do well enough with that I’ll advance to the bonus round, where I’ll have the chance to vote for the right judges for fun prizes like not getting my electricity shut off.
Ill Bill
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 9th, 2009
I think it’s wonderful the House has passed health care reform legislation. Not on the merits of the bill. It’s not like the thing will become an actual law during my lifetime. What I’m excited about is that with all the yelling and name-calling and baseless accusations, congressmen in both houses haven’t had time to actually legislate, which means no official recognition of Oprah Winfrey’s birthday or $4.5 billion Roland Burris Institute For Political Ethics.
It takes forever for Congress to enact any kind of substantial change. You can thank our founding fathers for this. The system by which a bill becomes a law may seem silly and arbitrary, but bear in mind that the Constitution was written with great deliberation by learned men who thought it’d be hilarious to make the rules silly and arbitrary. Read the rest of this entry »
At Wrigley, Blago just another loser
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 21st, 2009
Rod Blagojevich is no stranger to losing causes. He was removed from the Illinois governor’s office. He wanted President Obama to name him Secretary of Health and Human Services. He’s a Cubs fan.
I learned the last one Thursday afternoon, when Blagojevich sat in the row behind me at Wrigley Field. He was at the game instead of promoting his book, “The Governor,” which had only been in stores nine days and was in direct competition with Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol,” another government-themed work of fiction. Read the rest of this entry »
Don’t pick me, Pat
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 31st, 2009
The University of Illinois Board of Trustees still has five vacancies for Governor Pat Quinn to fill, and I would totally want the position, if only it paid anything.
See, trustees work on a volunteer basis. This is not a good way to get talented people to do things. It’s a position with no pay, regular travel to Urbana, Illinois, and no ability to leverage your clout, what with the Chicago Tribune’s annoying scrutiny. It makes more sense to try and find a job in law. Read the rest of this entry »
Obama babies: fact or horrible fact?
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on August 24th, 2009
I’m more terrified of Barack Obama than ever, what with the death panels and his connections to domestic terrorism and the army of babies he’s hiding away.
Don’t be so shocked. Back in November, “Obama Babies” were big news. The theory was, Obama supporters were so thrilled about his victory, they jumped into bed and had sex, which, as conservatives know, is only for procreation.
Not that it’s hard to get a female Democrat in bed. You earn her trust by telling her how liberated she is and that she doesn’t need a man for anything, then move for the kill with a teddy bear and flowers. Read the rest of this entry »
A closed letter to Roland Burris
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 26th, 2009
Dear Senator Burris,
My name is Scott Green and I’m here to help. I’m an expert on thriving despite not doing anything useful for the length of a senate term, what with being a college student for six years.
Although I’m writing this in a newspaper, it’s not an “open letter.” (Too much of the advice is illegal.) It’s a closed letter, for your eyes only. Everyone else: Why not try today’s crossword? The theme is “ambidextrous fast food mascots.”
Just you and me, Senator? Good. Your biggest problem, as far as I can tell, is that you’re accused of offering bribes to Rod Blagojevich’s people to get appointed to the senate. The good news is that you already know they take bribes, so you can pay them to lie about it. Read the rest of this entry »
Helping Obama pass his agenda, that doobie
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 12th, 2009
The legislative cocktail hours are a good start, but if President Obama really wants to win over congressmen, he’ll host White House pot parties.
At least this is the impression I get from “The Official High Times Pot Smoker’s Handbook,” a guide from America’s premier marijuana-themed magazine/emergency rolling paper. Chronicle Books sent it for free to Daily Illini features editor Jim Vorel in the hopes he’d publish a review but, in pursuit of journalistic excellence, I stole it off his desk. Read the rest of this entry »
An extremely historic night at Grant Park
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 13th, 2008
I was at Grant Park last Tuesday for Barack Obama’s election night party. It was surreal – the speech, the election, the strangers bunched so tight against me that we may be married. If I had to use a single word, that word would be “historic,” because you can put “historic” before any noun and make it sound more important than it is, such as “historic bird vomit.”
Beginning at the historic hour of 3:30 p.m., 30,000 lucky ticket holders and our plus-ones filed in two-by-two, cameras around their necks and buttons on their lapels. It was a lot like Noah’s ark, if instead of animals God commanded Noah to save political science geeks. Another field at the park held the overflow crowd, tens of thousands more people who couldn’t get tickets but wanted to one day tell their grandchildren they paid $20 for a Barack Obama T-shirt at one of several official merchandise stands. Read the rest of this entry »
Time for Dubya to build his legacy
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on November 6th, 2008
Now that the 2008 election is over, George W. Bush gets to do the cool things all lame duck presidents get to do, such as pardoning whoever he wants. Washington insiders expect him to pardon I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ ‘Moped’ Libby, who was involved in the Valerie Plame leak, and Darth Vader, who tried to quell the rebel uprising but is basically a good guy.
But Bush also gets to begin working on his legacy. This will be tough work. He’ll have to get up every day, sometimes as early as noon, and head to his basement. “Don’t come down here, I’m working on my legacy,” he will say, though to the layperson it will sound like he is just watching Dr. Phil and eating Fruity Pebbles. Read the rest of this entry »
Unclogging the politics of plumbing
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 30th, 2008
According to Politico.com, a major record studio is reportedly in talks right now to put out a country music album as early as inauguration day, starring – naturally – Joe the Plumber. The guy’s been in newspapers, on TV, and is supposedly mulling a run for Congress. It’s only a matter of time until he shows up in adult films (“Hi, I’m here to fix the plumbing in this girls-only dormitory”).
But I was disillusioned to learn Joe the Plumber isn’t a licensed plumber, and isn’t named Joe. His real name is Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, and because it is misspelled in the Ohio registry, he might not even be able to vote. How could any of us possibly trust his political insight after that? We can’t, which is why I instead called plumbers across the nation – licensed plumbers – to find out for whom I should vote. Read the rest of this entry »
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