Posts Tagged Relationships
Showering with 40 or 50 women
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 8th, 2010
Any couple in need of housewares should definitely be the guests of honor at several dozen bridal showers. My fiancée, Michelle, and I recently had this pleasure, and will never need to buy another melon baller.
Showers are women-intensive get-togethers that occur during important conference basketball games. The idea is, guests bring gifts to commemorate an upcoming event at which they will bring other gifts. This has caught on in other areas, though with mixed success. At baby showers, for example, expectant mothers receive tiny clothing they could never wear. Read the rest of this entry »
WedTV
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 14th, 2009
I was deeply in love with my girlfriend and couldn’t see spending my life with anyone else, so it was time to prove it, by listening for hours about which shade of white our wedding tablecloths should be.
I know more about wedding details than I want, but less than I should. I’m getting married next June to my fiancée, Michelle, even though she’s an Aquarius. And for a lot of stuff Michelle wants my opinion, provided it’s the exact same as hers. Read the rest of this entry »
The Unofficial SCAM guide to hookups
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 5th, 2009
Tomorrow is Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day, the magical time of year when all students, regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, singing ability, etc., accidentally step in vomit.
This is because the entire campus spends the day drinking, often setting alarms for 6 a.m. to get a head start. It’s absurd. The only real reason to be consuming alcohol at 6 a.m. is because you haven’t stopped from the previous night.And with all that drinking comes hookups, so you’ll need me, the Sex Column Answer Man, to guide you through it and also to watch any amateur videos you shoot.
Question: Should I aim for the drunkest girls?
Answer: Absolutely not.
Q: You’re saying it’d be unethical to take advantage?
A: I’m saying it’d be devastating to get rejected by someone with a BAC of 0.20. Read the rest of this entry »
Single guys, enjoy manly music while you can
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 19th, 2009
Men, there’s an easy way to find out what kind of music you like: get a girlfriend.
Guys in relationships know what I’m talking about. You meet this wonderful, beautiful woman; you lose yourself in passion; and within months, you have three John Legend albums on your iPod.
I called a number of guys I know who are dating, engaged, married, married to the sea, etc. They all agreed this happened to them, though they couldn’t remember what kind of music they used to like. Also on most of the calls I heard a female voice in the background providing answers.
Too many single guys think dating is just about the perks, such as getting their mothers to stop nagging them about not having a girlfriend. But there are parts nobody warns you about, like music brainwashing, 90-minute phone calls, and having to put the toilet seat down.
I remember when my favorite song was “Wake Up Call” by Maroon Five, a tender love ballad that expresses the timeless romantic message of “I shot my girlfriend’s secret lover and need to hide the body.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with this song, and there is nothing wrong with playing it for my own girlfriend, Michelle, just to make sure she gets the message. Read the rest of this entry »
My manhood is burning
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 18th, 2008
The manliest thing a guy can have is confidence, and I summoned all mine in a very manly way recently when I bought a vanilla and lime-scented candle.
This was the first aromatic candle purchase of my life. I started with no idea which one I wanted to buy, but I knew why I wanted it: I had to convince a girl that I am the sort of sensitive, caring guy who always has scented candles on hand. Read the rest of this entry »
Happy Valentine’s Day! Have this dead squirrel
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 14th, 2008
If the dating scene is a meat market, I feel like a box of fish sticks. My head knows girls say they want funny guys, but my heart knows they confuse “funny” with “muscular” and “guys” with “guys who are not me.” It would be easier if I could figure out what girls are thinking, but I have a genetic mutation that prevents this – namely, a Y chromosome.
Last December I went on a first date with a girl named Veronica. (I am using a pseudonym; this is not to protect her identity but because I forgot the cardinal rule of both journalism and dating: Always get the other person’s name.) Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010
- Spoiled by spoilers, but “Lost” without them April 1, 2010