Posts Tagged Rod Blagojevich

At Wrigley, Blago just another loser

Rod Blagojevich is no stranger to losing causes.  He was removed from the Illinois governor’s office.  He wanted President Obama to name him Secretary of Health and Human Services.  He’s a Cubs fan.

I learned the last one Thursday afternoon, when Blagojevich sat in the row behind me at Wrigley Field.  He was at the game instead of promoting his book, “The Governor,” which had only been in stores nine days and was in direct competition with Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol,” another government-themed work of fiction. Read the rest of this entry »

, , , , ,

3 Comments

What you might’ve missed during spring

checkIt’s important for great societies to keep histories of all their goings-on. We might as well keep one of ours, too. It’s in this spirit that I present my recap of spring semester 2009, because otherwise I might accidentally study for finals.

JANUARY

Zipcar places two rental vehicles on campus to serve 40,000 students. “It’s super convenient to use,” says junior Horace Glorf, “and as soon as my turn to use one of the cars comes up in eight years, I’m totally going to Walgreens.”

Governor Rod Blagojevich is removed from office by the state legislature. To prove he is more than a shameless attention seeker, Blagojevich appears on 3,178 talk shows.

To conserve resources, the Lincoln Avenue Residence Hall cafeteria becomes the second on campus to go trayless. Enough water is saved that, for the first time ever, some LAR residents take showers. Read the rest of this entry »

, , , , , , , ,

No Comments

Shakespeare, you old hack! Happy birthday

shakespeare.jpgPublic school education focuses on long-dead poets and trigonometry but de-emphasizes things that are actually useful, like how to cheat on your taxes or identify a narc. This is why I know so much about William Shakespeare, literary icon and total hack.

Today is the Bard’s 445th birthday and the 393rd anniversary of his death. (It’s bad to die on your birthday, because people only give you one present.) Chicago’s Mayor Daley declared it “Talk Like Shakespeare Day,” which is a troubling sign for the economy, because Shakespeare couldn’t have offered much of a bribe.

It’s a major pain to talk like the guy because he wrote using “iambic pentameter,” which means “unnecessary apostrophes.” Let’s say you have to go to the bathroom. You can’t just say, “I have to go to the bathroom,” because that statement is surrounded by quotation marks. No, you’d have to say, “Verily, m’ bladd’r ars’t ‘bout t’ ‘xplode; O, won’t thou help’st me t’ thine t’e’r’l’e’t?” Of course, by the time you finish the sentence, it’s too late. Read the rest of this entry »

, , , , ,

1 Comment

Lawyers have ethics? They bet they do

09-03-12-green-blago-satan-legal-ethics“Legal ethics” is not an oxymoron, and if anyone feels differently, I will file a frivolous lawsuit against you.

I learned about legal ethics to prepare for last Saturday’s Multistate Professional Responsibility Examination, a standardized test that most states require lawyers to pass.  I had to study hard, because most of the questions look like this:

Lawyer, a lawyer in State, a state, represents Client, his client.  While in court Lawyer distracts Judge, a judge, such that Judge turns and snags his robe on Doorknob, a doorknob, exposing Judge’s buttocks.  Client subsequently laughs so hard he dies of an aneurysm.  Is Lawyer subject to sanctions?

A. Yes, unless Client filled out Form 47F (Buttocks-Related Aneurysm Waiver).

B. Yes, but not if everyone stays cool and just keeps their mouths shut.

C. No, if it is the Feast of St. Stephen.

D. No, because the Buttocks-Related Aneurysm Waiver is actually Form 47G. Read the rest of this entry »

, , , , ,

3 Comments

A closed letter to Roland Burris

burrisDear Senator Burris,

My name is Scott Green and I’m here to help. I’m an expert on thriving despite not doing anything useful for the length of a senate term, what with being a college student for six years.

Although I’m writing this in a newspaper, it’s not an “open letter.” (Too much of the advice is illegal.) It’s a closed letter, for your eyes only. Everyone else: Why not try today’s crossword? The theme is “ambidextrous fast food mascots.”

Just you and me, Senator? Good. Your biggest problem, as far as I can tell, is that you’re accused of offering bribes to Rod Blagojevich’s people to get appointed to the senate. The good news is that you already know they take bribes, so you can pay them to lie about it. Read the rest of this entry »

, , , , , ,

3 Comments

What you might’ve missed during fall: Scott Green’s semester-in-review

Wow! Can you believe that so many exciting things happened this semester that my editor asked me to write this column instead of studying for a law school final that could be the difference between landing a prestigious firm job and becoming a minimum wage nasal-hair stylist?

Enough stuff went on that I don’t even have to make anything up, unlike last semester, when I wrote about an “Illinois football team” going to some sort of “Rose Bowl.”

AUGUST

The White House announces President Bush will award University professor Charles Slichter the National Medal of Science for “establishing nuclear magnetic resonance as a powerful tool to reveal the fundamental properties of molecules and solids, enabling a host of modern technologies in condensed matter physics, chemistry and medicine.” Or, as the president puts it: “Real sciencey stuff.”

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, in a move federal investigators later describe as “suspicious,” spends $3 million in state funds for a sack of magic beans. Read the rest of this entry »

, , ,

1 Comment

So you’ve decided to burn down an orphanage

Today’s topic is how you, an average citizen who just happens to be a major scumbag politician, can avoid public scorn. The simple secret is to come clean before anyone suspects something is wrong. For example, let’s say you are a United States Congressperson who intends to set fire to the Orphanage For Really Cute Children. There are right and wrong ways to do this.

Right: Call a press conference before you set the orphanage on fire. Set the fire. Go directly to the press conference. Look into the cameras and say, “I set fire to the orphanage. I am aware this has hurt many people, but this matter is between me and God.” Try to keep a straight face. Read the rest of this entry »

, , , ,

No Comments