Dear Senator Burris,

My name is Scott Green and I’m here to help. I’m an expert on thriving despite not doing anything useful for the length of a senate term, what with being a college student for six years.

Although I’m writing this in a newspaper, it’s not an “open letter.” (Too much of the advice is illegal.) It’s a closed letter, for your eyes only. Everyone else: Why not try today’s crossword? The theme is “ambidextrous fast food mascots.”

Just you and me, Senator? Good. Your biggest problem, as far as I can tell, is that you’re accused of offering bribes to Rod Blagojevich’s people to get appointed to the senate. The good news is that you already know they take bribes, so you can pay them to lie about it. Read the rest of this entry »