Posts Tagged SCAM
A really, really large SCAM
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 2nd, 2010
Good journalists use sharp, precise language to convey ideas clearly. Pfft. What I’m trying to do here is write a column about largeness and smallness issues affecting the private portions of our anatomies without using words that get this column filtered for content.
What does that mean for me, your Sex Column Answer Man? I’ll employ the standard practice of talking around the issue of hand with vague allusions, as in: “Bob asked the urologist to examine his euphemism.” But you’ll know what I’m talking about, because every time I make such a reference, I’ll wink at my computer screen.
Question: Why are men obsessed about size? Read the rest of this entry »
The abstinence SCAM
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 29th, 2009
I plan on having kids someday, and I have no doubt the clever little bastards will track down their dad’s old humor columns. So let me state for the record that abstinence is the most important thing on the planet, with the possible exceptions of vegetable-eating and not bothering me during Bears games.
As Sex Column Answer Man to the rest of you, I’m here to dispel old misconceptions about abstinence, and replace them with entirely new ones.
Question: Should abstinence be taught in schools? Read the rest of this entry »
Your Sex Column Answer Man will work for Fritos
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 1st, 2009
The recession has affected everything in this country, from tax policy to car purchases to the market of people willing to pay straight-out-of-college journalists six figures to write humor columns.
It’s also touched the love lives of a lot of Americans, or at least the ones whose bedrooms I can see into from my 21st-floor apartment.
Lucky thing your favorite (and only, thanks to trademark law) Sex Column Answer Man is on the case, answering whatever questions I felt like asking myself.
Question: What are some ways to save money in the bedroom? Read the rest of this entry »
The Unofficial SCAM guide to hookups
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on March 5th, 2009
Tomorrow is Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day, the magical time of year when all students, regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, singing ability, etc., accidentally step in vomit.
This is because the entire campus spends the day drinking, often setting alarms for 6 a.m. to get a head start. It’s absurd. The only real reason to be consuming alcohol at 6 a.m. is because you haven’t stopped from the previous night.And with all that drinking comes hookups, so you’ll need me, the Sex Column Answer Man, to guide you through it and also to watch any amateur videos you shoot.
Question: Should I aim for the drunkest girls?
Answer: Absolutely not.
Q: You’re saying it’d be unethical to take advantage?
A: I’m saying it’d be devastating to get rejected by someone with a BAC of 0.20. Read the rest of this entry »
Naked clowns and nerd sex
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 11th, 2008
Today is the third installment of my extremely journalistic feature, the Sex Column Answer Man. Never mind that its acronym is “SCAM.” The important thing is, I find sex topics college students really want to know about – the questions they’re too nervous to ask – and completely ignore them.
Question: Which do women find more attractive, jocks or nerds? Read the rest of this entry »
Your trusty Sex Column Answer Man goes political
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 11th, 2008
Your average politician has the sex appeal of a jack-o-lantern, and yet these guys have romantic encounters all the time. Take Eliot Spitzer, for example. The guy looks like Kermit the Frog, but still was able to have sex for less than $5,000.
Think about the recent headlines. John Edwards admitted to an affair with a former staffer. Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Political sex is in the news again, so you need me, your faithful Sex Column Answer Man, more than ever. Because of the sensitive nature of these topics, I will use my maturity and wisdom to handle these topics with all the delicacy of an NFL linebacker. I’m a sex columnist, not a nun.
Question: Why is it surprising that former North Carolina senator and two-time Presidential candidate John Edwards recently admitted to an extramarital affair? Read the rest of this entry »
The Sex Column Answer Man
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 30th, 2008
If you want to succeed in journalism, you need to select topics carefully, research thoroughly, interview intelligently, and use adverbs sparingly. Or you can write about sex.
It doesn’t matter what you say about it. “The sex was a vapid, purple, pistachioed umbrella,” you can write, and yours will be the most-read story on your publication’s Web site. You might even win a Pulitzer. If the Wall Street Journal followed Cosmopolitan Magazine’s lead and ran more stories like “50 tips to please Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke in bed,” they could finally afford real photographs instead of those silly doodles. Read the rest of this entry »
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