Posts Tagged Semester-In-Review
What you might’ve missed during spring
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 12th, 2009
It’s important for great societies to keep histories of all their goings-on. We might as well keep one of ours, too. It’s in this spirit that I present my recap of spring semester 2009, because otherwise I might accidentally study for finals.
JANUARY
Zipcar places two rental vehicles on campus to serve 40,000 students. “It’s super convenient to use,” says junior Horace Glorf, “and as soon as my turn to use one of the cars comes up in eight years, I’m totally going to Walgreens.”
Governor Rod Blagojevich is removed from office by the state legislature. To prove he is more than a shameless attention seeker, Blagojevich appears on 3,178 talk shows.
To conserve resources, the Lincoln Avenue Residence Hall cafeteria becomes the second on campus to go trayless. Enough water is saved that, for the first time ever, some LAR residents take showers. Read the rest of this entry »
What you might’ve missed during fall: Scott Green’s semester-in-review
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 16th, 2008
Wow! Can you believe that so many exciting things happened this semester that my editor asked me to write this column instead of studying for a law school final that could be the difference between landing a prestigious firm job and becoming a minimum wage nasal-hair stylist?
Enough stuff went on that I don’t even have to make anything up, unlike last semester, when I wrote about an “Illinois football team” going to some sort of “Rose Bowl.”
AUGUST
The White House announces President Bush will award University professor Charles Slichter the National Medal of Science for “establishing nuclear magnetic resonance as a powerful tool to reveal the fundamental properties of molecules and solids, enabling a host of modern technologies in condensed matter physics, chemistry and medicine.” Or, as the president puts it: “Real sciencey stuff.”
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, in a move federal investigators later describe as “suspicious,” spends $3 million in state funds for a sack of magic beans. Read the rest of this entry »
What you might’ve missed during spring
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 4th, 2008
As the old adage goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, unless you have an 800-word column to write.” It is in this spirit that I recap spring semester 2008, which we would all like to forget, but not until after reading this piece. After all, The Daily Illini needs to sell more advertisements to bus companies trying to convey the important transportation-related message that their competitors would sell you to a tribe of cannibals if the opportunity presented itself.
JANUARY
The Fighting Illini football team plays USC in the Rose Bowl. All eyes in the nation are on the game until midway through the first quarter, when USC takes a seven-touchdown lead, at which point all eyes in the nation turn to “Seinfeld” reruns. Read the rest of this entry »
Scott Green’s Semester in Review (Fall 2007)
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on December 12th, 2007
Fall 2007 was a busy semester at the University of Illinois; a lot of very important and historical things happened. If, like me, you didn’t care about those important and historical things, you probably have no idea what they were. So I went out and did the minimum amount of research I felt I could get away with, and now present my month-by-month recap.
August
The University’s vending contract is switched from Coke to Pepsi, which causes the shocked and disappointed student body to not know the difference.
WHAT’S NEW- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010
- Spoiled by spoilers, but “Lost” without them April 1, 2010