Posts Tagged Sports
Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 15th, 2010
We’ve earned TV treating us like idiots. This is the nation that gets emotionally invested enough to call a hotline to determine whether Pamela Anderson or Evan Lysacek is the better dancer.
So I’m not surprised, as we start the 2010 baseball season, that broadcasts still feature outdated statistics. You know what I mean. A guy steps up to the plate and up pop “batting average” and “RBI.” Serious baseball analysts prefer new-age baseball stats, called “sabermetrics” because that sounds more official than “tenth-grade algebra.” Read the rest of this entry »
You’re Ghana love the Snow Leopard
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 18th, 2010
Sure the Winter Olympics have been beset by problems like the torch lighting snafu and the murderous luge track and that Vancouver’s been 74 and sunny. But the viewing audience has largely overlooked these problems, because we’ve overlooked the entire Olympics.
Granted, ratings are high. But it’s not to watch the majesty of competition. It’s because, with a several-hour tape delay and selective editing, viewers know they’ll see all the significant wipeouts of the day in real-time and several slow-motion replays. Read the rest of this entry »
For athletes, a Nobel example of peace
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 12th, 2009
President Obama does not celebrate victory like a normal person. A normal person, finding out he has won the Nobel Peace Prize, would post it on Facebook, then run around firing his gun into the air.
But not Obama, the kind of guy who celebrates by adding an extra teaspoon of sweetener to his Mueslix. Nothing crazy at all, even though the Nobel committee caught him completely by surprise. I mean, his most daunting presidential peace-making mission consisted of getting a black professor and a white cop to not gouge each other’s eyeballs on national television. The effort he expended on this was walking to his lawn and drinking beer. Read the rest of this entry »
Blame, and other Games for Chicago 2016
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 5th, 2009
We’ve had a few days to digest the International Olympic Committee’s rejection of Chicago as host of the 2016 Summer Games, so it’s time to calmly and maturely reflect on whom to blame.
One option is President Obama, who gave a speech as part of Chicago’s final presentation. Obama failed to win over enough IOC members, even though Mayor Daley specifically asked him to. Daley is also potentially at fault, for not leading Chicago to become the sort of dynamic and corrupt metropolis the IOC was looking for, namely: one that was located in South America. Read the rest of this entry »
At Wrigley, Blago just another loser
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 21st, 2009
Rod Blagojevich is no stranger to losing causes. He was removed from the Illinois governor’s office. He wanted President Obama to name him Secretary of Health and Human Services. He’s a Cubs fan.
I learned the last one Thursday afternoon, when Blagojevich sat in the row behind me at Wrigley Field. He was at the game instead of promoting his book, “The Governor,” which had only been in stores nine days and was in direct competition with Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol,” another government-themed work of fiction. Read the rest of this entry »
Pledge football: an up-down experience
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 15th, 2009
Those of you lucky enough to join a fraternity this fall can look forward to the tradition of playing in a pledge football game, in the same sense that people who get gored by a bull can look forward to losing a lot of blood.
The problem wasn’t the game itself, which was a lot of fun. It was a nighttime flag football match in front of a few hundred spectators, and we even got to play our rival house, though none of us particularly hated the other team because we didn’t know anyone in their house.
No, the problem was the process leading up to the game, which required daily practices. In other words: exercise. Read the rest of this entry »
Athletes as students: major problems
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 24th, 2009
It’s the middle of summer break, which means student athletes are preparing for the upcoming season with 12 hours of grueling math drills a day.
Actually, they spend their summers training on the field, preparing to do the serious academic work of catching a football. This seems removed from the mission of the University, which consists of providing a top-tier education to Illinoisans whose parents gave money to Rod Blagojevich. Read the rest of this entry »
Your first hosting decision: Super Bowl party or funeral?
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on January 29th, 2009
I’m really psyched for the Super Bowl, because it’ll be exciting to see if the Arizona Somethings can beat the Pittsburgh Whatevers to determine the world championship of a sport played exclusively in the United States.
It may seem odd I can get so worked up over a Super Bowl not involving my Chicago Bears, but I’m incredibly excited to see if my 19th favorite team can beat my 24th favorite. This is a major reason why I’m hosting a party Sunday afternoon. (The other reason is that I want an excuse to eat potato salad leftovers for the next month). And you can host one, too, provided you are good at picking Dorito crumbs out of your carpet. Read the rest of this entry »
A little league loser finally finds baseball
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on October 16th, 2008
The World Series begins next Wednesday with two teams I do not root for, and for the first time in my life, I sort of care.
I was never into baseball as a youngster, though I played the game regularly. I had my own strategy in Little League that consisted of never swinging. Sure, this may not fit in with how baseball “traditionalists” play, but they would feel differently if, like me, they had the athletic ability of lasagna. Read the rest of this entry »
Morgan Freeman says to take a deep breath
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 18th, 2008
Microsoft paid Jerry Seinfeld $10 million to fit Bill Gates for shoes in a TV commercial. I don’t see the logic behind this. I mean, if you were Microsoft, would you have Seinfeld fit your chairman for shoes? Or would you go the more reasonable route and use his voice for that animated paper clip? (“It looks like you’re writing a letter. What’s the deal with letters?”)
Microsoft’s ads, which the company has announced it will cancel, are the latest in a surge in pointless commercials. They’ll give you some mumbo-jumbo about trying to improve their image with the public, but come on. Bill Gates just wanted to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld. It may seem unfair that Bill Gates gets to spend company money to purchase Jerry Seinfeld whereas you would get questioned for a $15 business lunch, but in all fairness, Gates has to go through life with that haircut. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Shark weak August 5, 2010
- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010