Posts Tagged TV
Our newest justice, after these messages
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on May 3rd, 2010
Here are two facts that seem, on their face, unrelated:
1. Barack Obama is about to choose John Paul Stevens’ replacement on the Supreme Court.
2. “American Idol” is still the top rated show in America.
I think you see where I’m going with this: Stevens should beat Simon Cowell to death with his gavel.
If that’s not practical, we could hold open auditions and let viewers at home decide who advances to the Supreme Court, under the theory we couldn’t do much worse than the current justices. Read the rest of this entry »
Spoiled by spoilers, but “Lost” without them
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 1st, 2010
Author’s note: Although this column is about the ending of “Lost,” it contains no spoilers. I have gone to great lengths to avoid revealing, for example, that the smoke monster is actually Keyser Soze. Also: Oz was Dorothy’s dream. Thank you.
I’m an American, which means I feel entitled to whatever I want, whenever I want it. It also means my diet consists primarily of cheese. This has led to a thriving pizza delivery industry.
What I’m trying to say is, I don’t like waiting. I’d rather know something ahead of time than be surprised later. This is why I love spoilers, and why the final season of “Lost” is giving me fits. Read the rest of this entry »
You’re Ghana love the Snow Leopard
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on February 18th, 2010
Sure the Winter Olympics have been beset by problems like the torch lighting snafu and the murderous luge track and that Vancouver’s been 74 and sunny. But the viewing audience has largely overlooked these problems, because we’ve overlooked the entire Olympics.
Granted, ratings are high. But it’s not to watch the majesty of competition. It’s because, with a several-hour tape delay and selective editing, viewers know they’ll see all the significant wipeouts of the day in real-time and several slow-motion replays. Read the rest of this entry »
WedTV
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 14th, 2009
I was deeply in love with my girlfriend and couldn’t see spending my life with anyone else, so it was time to prove it, by listening for hours about which shade of white our wedding tablecloths should be.
I know more about wedding details than I want, but less than I should. I’m getting married next June to my fiancée, Michelle, even though she’s an Aquarius. And for a lot of stuff Michelle wants my opinion, provided it’s the exact same as hers. Read the rest of this entry »
Stop this commercial or innocent men will dye
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on September 8th, 2009
The world would truly be a better place if we all joined hands and sang in harmony and shot whoever writes Just For Men’s TV commercials.
I’ve seen this one ad about a hundred times. It features two girls, maybe six and eight, who give their dad a box of Just For Men in the hopes he’ll begin dating again. It’s not clear what happened to their mother, though I assume she ran off with the guy from the Viagra spots.
The ad raises a number of interesting questions, such as: where does an eight-year-old get enough money for hair dye? Did she keep the receipt, in case she bought the wrong color? What did the checkout clerk think? Read the rest of this entry »
Our newest justice, after these messages
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 9th, 2009
Here are two facts that seem, on their face, unrelated:
1. Speculation is ramping up about which Supreme Court justices might die or retire this year, and who could replace them.
2. “American Idol” is still the top rated show in America.
I think you see where I’m going with this: The justices should beat Simon Cowell to death with their gavels.
If that’s not practical, we could hold open auditions and let viewers at home decide who advances to the nation’s highest bench, under the theory we couldn’t do much worse than the Court’s current membership.
Justice mortality is a serious topic, one that would also make an excellent name for a Bond girl. Consider this recent quote from U.S. Senator Jim Bunning (R-You Kidding Me), who told reporters in February – I swear he really said this – that “Ruth Bader Ginsburg… has cancer… nine months is the longest anyone [with that kind of cancer] would live.” Read the rest of this entry »
Hey, Fox News Channel! Come on, do your worst
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on July 9th, 2008
There’s a code of ethics in the news media which, as far as I can tell, serves no practical purpose. You’d sell a lot more papers if you could make up headlines like “McCain grows to colossal size; uses laser-vision to slash budget.” That’s why working at Fox News is such a plum job – they don’t worry about things like “journalistic ethics.”
Here’s what Fox did last week. After New York Times media reporter Jacques Steinberg wrote accurately about “ominous” ratings trends for Fox News, which is losing ground to CNN and MSNBC, anchors on the “Fox & Friends” morning show called Steinberg’s work a “hit piece.” They also referred to Steinberg and his editor, Steven Reddicliffe, as “attack dogs.” So far, the network was still within the bounds of standard journalistic practices – you see this stuff all the time from respected media, like NPR’s recent report, “Peggy Noonan: Stupid Tramp Or What?” Read the rest of this entry »
Beg for it, Hillary
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on June 25th, 2008
If you really wanted to make Barack Obama the next President of the United States, you would go online right now and make a large contribution to Hillary Clinton’s campaign.
I’m not certain why this helps Obama, but in a new video posted on HillaryClinton.com, the New York senator asks America to join her in supporting him. “I look forward to campaigning with him,” she says, her face appearing next to a red button labeled “$ CONTRIBUTE” that lets you help pay her campaign’s $22 million debt. I swear this is true. Read the rest of this entry »
My ‘Harding’ miniseries has what HBO’s ‘John Adams’ lacked: nudity
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 24th, 2008
Sometimes it is perfectly appropriate to have an opinion on something you have never experienced. For example, I have an opinion on abortion, even though I have never personally been aborted.
This is the case with “John Adams,” the HBO miniseries that aired its final episode Sunday night. I never watched it, but I’ve heard it discussed ad nauseam, to the extent that I feel safe saying it was a pretty good show, full of glorified battle, pointed oratory, revolutionary idealism and French prostitutes. Sort of like our student senate. Read the rest of this entry »
So you’ve decided to burn down an orphanage
Posted by Scott Green in Humor Columns on April 10th, 2008
Today’s topic is how you, an average citizen who just happens to be a major scumbag politician, can avoid public scorn. The simple secret is to come clean before anyone suspects something is wrong. For example, let’s say you are a United States Congressperson who intends to set fire to the Orphanage For Really Cute Children. There are right and wrong ways to do this.
Right: Call a press conference before you set the orphanage on fire. Set the fire. Go directly to the press conference. Look into the cameras and say, “I set fire to the orphanage. I am aware this has hurt many people, but this matter is between me and God.” Try to keep a straight face. Read the rest of this entry »
WHAT’S NEW- Our newest justice, after these messages May 3, 2010
- Roger Ebert one-ups the Internet April 26, 2010
- Something about televised baseball doesn’t add up April 15, 2010
- Showering with 40 or 50 women April 8, 2010
- Spoiled by spoilers, but “Lost” without them April 1, 2010