I’m going to found my own cable news network, and we’re going to have award-winning election coverage. I spent Tuesday evening in the Daily Illini newsroom watching election results on CNN and MSNBC, networks I usually pay little mind. We had these channels on because we are a top-tier bastion of journalism, and also because “The Simpsons” had ended at 5:30.

I shrewdly observed some key ingredients to proper election-night coverage. For example, you need to have a serious and responsible anchor named something like “Wolf Blitzer.” This is a name that connotes the important message: “My parents did not understand English.” Read the rest of this entry »